One Opinion

Consider This...

2011-01-29T10:57:00.002-05:00

Søren Kierkegaard made the famous argument that despair is the “sickness unto death”. That is, the implications of mans existential crisis are such that despair becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, clouding out the possibility of ever escaping one’s own overwhelming sadness. Simply put, depression is a hole and the longer one wallows in it the harder it is to escape.

Dostoyevsky, in Death of Ivan Ilych, shows a man who, when faced with death, re-evaluates his life choices. A “successful” man by the measures of his society, he finds that he his life choices were not made on the values he wished to live by, but as a means to a material end. His existential crisis is living with the decisions he made, and facing death alone.

There is truth in that: All of us will have to suffer the event of our own mortality, and when we do so it will be our own lonely experience, or rather end of experience, depending on one’s belief system. Perhaps this is why loneliness is such a painful thing, even when it isn’t directly connected to death or dying.

Standing on a street corner knowing that a companionship that had once defined your very person has been cut off, severed for reasons partially understood and partially in mystery, one is overwhelmed by the pervasive sensation of loneliness. It soaks through even the toughest façade, spilling out at inappropriate moments. One must keep moving, one foot in front of the other, to avoid collapsing onto the brick sidewalk, laying in the drifts of dirty snow in a physical manifestation of the intense feeling of helplessness.

Routine helps: having a reason to get out of bed in the morning, running on a treadmill to exhaustion in the hopes of a dreamless easy sleep. There are infinite ways in which things could be worse.

Maybe it’s the season, but the days are now tinged with grey. Can you imagine a world where the worker dreads the weekend? Spreadsheets, emails and the ringing of phones is usually enough to drown out the noise of festering despair, but come Friday: leisure holds no pleasure.

What then, is a plan of action? Trying to outrun one’s own emotion by staying too busy to think? Brief escapes into a world of unconsciousness thanks to various distilled liquids? Is anything recoupable? Could any of the pieces of an old life be picked up, superglued together in an imitation of its prior form?

I'm at risk of running on, so I won't.

Sometimes, things just suddenly end

2010-12-22T13:44:00.002-05:00

I don't have a fancy blackberry, droid or iPhone.

It's not for lack of funds, its because I like my little flip phone and I also like the ability to be away from facebook notifications and emails.

Eventually I'll convert I suppose.

The only thing that bugs me, is that this phone can hold hundreds of images, mp3's, videos, all that crap.
Text messages though? Any more than 60 and it beeps at me that the inbox is full.

Phone, I'll make you a deal: I won't ever put music on you, and in return, you hold a decent number of texts.

What idiot designs this crap?

Another Rant

2010-10-13T20:00:00.001-04:00

Have any of you heard that blackberry commercial lately?
I say heard because i never watch the damn thing but there is this part in the music where some guy is like "ahlahahlahalahalha".
I get it, business is global or whatever, and blackberries are for business so this is cultural or whatever.
Its goddamn annoying. Blackberry, get a new advertising agency. The fuckers you hired are deaf.

Green: It's the new Green.

2010-09-09T21:50:00.005-04:00

So, some cars look good in bold greens.
Lets skip the big Lambo in Ithaca Verde, and go right to this:
The Porsche 911 GT3, if I'm correct this one is last years model.It looks good, doesn't it? Well for over $180k, it damn well better. Keep in mind most enthusiasts would choose white. (Why? White paint weighs less.)

I'll spare you more supercar pornography. What I've noticed is that increasingly average cars are being sprayed in bold greens from the factory. Just to be clear, we are not talking a deep British Racing Green that you would want on your MG-B, or the everyday green that might delicately juxtapose the beige interior in your 1996 Toyota Camry.
I'm talking about colors like this, on the new(ish) Ford Fiesta:
Or how about this, on the new Mazda 2:
(Thanks Mazda! Great high res!)

The point is, you no longer have to spend $250,000 on a V12 Lamborghini to get a car that carries green off well. In the market for economy cars, its been too long that your only choices are beige, black, and silver. The adventurous color choice is usually a red. Lets face it, unless your car has a "Pininfarina" badge on it, it doesn't do red so well. (Porsche offers their version, called "Guards Red", but it is more commonly referred to as a "pull me over" red.)
Green is a great option, it gets you out of boring beige and lets you have a little fun, without flagging down the cops every time you get going 5 over.
So lets embrace it. Its high time for more colorful roadways.

Who's losing now?

2010-09-06T21:55:00.003-04:00

Ok so some of you might have heard or rather, read about, a thing called "You Laugh, You Lose".

On any given internet forum a thread will start where the objective is to make the reader laugh out loud, therefore "losing". It's a difficult concept, I know, so I'll go into greater detail.
Usually each post is a picture, often resorting to posting a joke centering around an internet meme.

But, there's always one isn't there? Someone has to be "that guy".
And this post is about those guys, the people who post links to a youtube video.

A funny picture takes about .4 seconds to absorb the set up and the punchline, while the average youtube video goes on for 1:30 before something funny happens.

Hey asshole, guess what? If the joke was someone gets kicked in the balls, then post a picture of the kid getting kicked in the balls. I'm not trying to wait a minute and a half to halfheartedly think about laughing. Often, your video isn't even worth a snicker.

Its wicked inconsiderate. Come on, internet forum poster, we're all busy people.

Motorcycles Revisited

2010-08-28T21:48:00.006-04:00

So earlier (ages ago, as I barely ever write) I was talking about how much I wanted a motorcycle.
Nothings changed, they're still pretty damn cool.

But lately, I've been listening to alot of the Jam, the Specials and other old British music, and its starting to have an effect.Namely, the sport bike I was thinking about looks really impractical now, and a Harley (even though they are really awesome) seems too brash and bold. What I've really decided I need is a scooter.
Not just any Chinese made 50cc job that will get you slowly up to 30 for a few weeks until it falls apart, no I want one of these:

This is the 2005 limited edition re-introduction of the classic Vespa PX150 into the United States. Its called the edicion americizione or something equally Italian, and boasts 150cc's of class that will propel the rider up to a reported top speed of 62mph. It would be perfect for zipping in and out of Georgetown in fashion.Of course, there is always the GTV300, an equally limited edition of the Vespa GTS 300 (GT of course meaning Grand Tourismo).
Also quite stunning, the GTV has the split-seat as a nod to early Vespa models, and the headlight on the front fender is another retro touch. It is a larger bike though, and its girth would make it less ideal for lane splitting, and harder to park on a curb.
This one is thoroughly modern though, with a 278cc engine and a maximum speed of 76, is it most certainly more scooter than anyone expects. But, it's MSRP is $6,899 which is certainly more cash than one expects to pay for a scooter.

Both of these scooters have engines with displacement over the 50cc limit which requires the driver to have a motorcycle license. That can be accomplished in a weekend and is a "why not?" sort of proposition.

It is worth it to interject here that the GTV has the "twist&go" CVT type transmission, while the PX150 uses a 4 speed manual transmission (shifting is accomplished by depressing the clutch lever and twisting the handgrip). The GTV brakes are left and right hand levers, while the PX150 has a trick brake pedal on the floor for one of the wheels.

"If there was only a way to get some of the extra power & modern suspension of the GTV in the PX150" you say. Well, through adding a bored and built engine, upgraded biposto shock absorbers, and disk brakes I am relatively certain I can make the coolest Vespa DC has ever seen. And when I get back down to Rehoboth, a mint green PX150 sitting in front of the house would be the envy of the neighborhood.
So, instead of buying a new one for many thousands, I've been considering starting a restoration project. PX150's from the 80's pop up on Craigslist now and then for fairly cheap. But between student loans and gasoline bills, I think I'm going to have to look in another section on Craigslist first: for a second job.

Runs Good

2010-08-12T21:52:00.003-04:00

So as it happens I read a fair amount of classified ads people post for their cars on the internet.
Clearly, the vast majority of people have no grasp of the basic concepts of marketing.

Should I clean my car before I take pictures of it for Craigslist? Nah, too much work.

Neither do they grasp the nuances of grammar.

"95 Nissan 240SX, automatic, new tires, runs good."

Runs "well" damnit, its an adverb.

My favorite irritating bit of ignorance is when the poster tells me how much money they've
"invested" in the car. You invest in companies, in real estate, in your education. The money you've used to put candy paint on your 86 Ford Ranger, well you "spent" that buddy, and its gone.

Mmmm....television

2010-06-23T21:54:00.004-04:00

Bravo has a new show where the winner becomes "the next great artist".

Guess what morons: High art isn't the result of reality television.

The sort of people who think they can jump start their career as an artist through a cheesy reality show have got to be so far up their own asses that I'm surprised they haven't suffocated.

In other news, there's a show called Peep Show on BBC America. It makes me laugh, and its scripted. It runs against this stupid "Work of Art" show, and I suggest watching it instead.

Irregularity

2010-06-22T21:23:00.003-04:00

This post does not cover the type of irregularity you would treat with a fiber supplement and a glass of prune juice.
This covers the fact that sometimes months go by between posts, and sometimes I trail off on ambitious projects, for example: reviewing used cars, ending human stupidity (or at least pointing lots of fingers concerning its spread).

You would think I would explain this by saying I'm extremely busy.
But am I? Sitting on the family room floor with my laptop, halfheartedly listening to another rerun of The Office yammer on on TBS, I hardly think so.

But as a young professional, I'm headed to bed soon for the morning commute. At 9:30PM, most nights, there is nothing in me that wants to elucidate the various advantages and disadvantages of late model imports.

There is a simple pleasure in the brief stretches of my drive where traffic clears, and the little Impreza gets to stretch its 2.2 litre legs.
Granted, the '97 Subaru Impreza L has no pep to speak of. It trundles on with a measured step, casually leaking ever so little oil when I let it sit.
The left side is scarred with battle wounds from before I knew it, broad brushstrokes of deep rust red over the fading green paint.
Its a workhorse, a faithful servant. Well, once i pried the dead starter from the engine block and replaced it with a rebuilt one from autozone it renewed its vow of stability.

And lo, though its turbocharged sister sits patiently in the garage for a sunny weekend, this car soldiers on through rain, hail, snow, fog and darkness (Ah yes, in the recent hail storm, when everyone was trying to shelter their Mercedes under a tree along Georgetown Pike, it strode on unaffected), though its upholstery is cracking and faded, and it smells vaguely of burning oil, I appreciate this car.

Its a beater car. And everyone should have one.

The Honda CBR 600 RR Repsol

2010-03-29T23:26:00.003-04:00

It only makes sense that we want something more when we can't have it.

I am not allowed to have a motorcycle.

.: I have developed an unnatural yearning for a sport bike.
In reality, it is entirely impractical. For one, there's the exorbitant insurance rate. There's the fact I couldn't use it in the wet, or the cold. There's the fact I'd be forced to go every where dressed like a power ranger. (The last one is a double edged sword: carrying your helmet everywhere = attention magnet.)

When it comes to motorcycles, there's Harleys, there's Triumphs, there's Indians. There's old hondas and suzukis. There's ugly sportbikes from the early 90s.

Then there's this. The CBR 600 RR RepSol.And I want it.

Why?
Well, House had one. And Hugh Laurie is a badass actor. His show, while sometimes tiresome, is essentially a badass playing a badass. For those keeping score at home, that's badass squared.

Are there better bikes? Yes. The Augusta F4 and the Ducati 749, for example.
But the CBR just kicks you in the teeth with it. And if you're a biker, you're probably used to getting kicked in the teeth. For us soft people in vehicles with airbags and seat belts, its a bit of a shock.

Unfortunately, I doubt I'll ever have one. Its too likely some jackass in an SUV would run me over while trying to pair their cell phone to their vehicles blue tooth system. And, yes, I am an organ donor; but I would rather like to keep them for a bit longer.

Screw you, iTunes

2010-02-10T11:29:00.004-05:00

Shall I start with small talk about the weather?
We've had a ton of snow, and today there is a blizzard warning and another foot or so expected. This is exciting because not only are there no mountains to ski down, but we have been having power outages, cable outages and combinations of the two. At least we have not yet suffered an alcohol outage.
I powered on my computer with the intention of listening to music, but iTunes had another plan. Once, it had copied my entire music library again, so that I had thousands of duplicate songs. Without any method to auto-select and delete, I was left with thousands of mouse clicks in order to correct the error. Mr. Jobs will be receiving a bill for the treatment of the resultant carpal tunnel problems.
This time though, iTunes has failed to locate any of my songs. Yes, it has mysteriously forgotten the little electronic pathway that lets it find each file. On its own volition.
So now I'm faced with "locating" each song individually.
Perhaps iTunes was feeling neglected, and wanted me to spend some quality time with it. Or, more likely, iTunes was carelessly designed by people who would rather see me spend 99 cents to purchase songs through their system than to actually ever get to listen to any music.
In closing, iTunes: Screw you.

Worst Blog Ever

2010-01-20T20:22:00.002-05:00

So in the time since my last post, I've finished college. I've moved out of the Bronx, and I've found a job. Not being in the Bronx is well, quite nice. I can walk around my neighborhood without the slightest fear of being stabbed. However, I have the new fear of being hit by a car, as there are no sidewalks and no streetlights.
Ah, suburbia, the natural habitat of the automobile. Out here the cars aren't battered up against each other in tiny parking spaces, but most of them even get their own room. So through these windy virginia roads, one should expect nothing but the finest driving experience yes? Anyone who knows northern virginia knows the answer.
The roads here are jammed, mostly with morons. The sort of people who ride in the faster lane until they "suddenly realize" they have to make the exit, and bring both lanes of traffic to a halt trying to force their way into the crowded turn lane. Then, there's the people who believe the four rings or three pointed star on the front of their car allows them to cut off anyone they choose, and even cross grassy medians to make illegal U-turns to save them the precious minutes of waiting in traffic. There's the people who, when you are forced to stop on a steep hill, drive their cars up to millimeters away from your rear bumper, forcing you to use the handbrake to start.

Driving a thirty four mile commute where fifth gear is used twice is infuriating, and paying for high octane gas wasted in stop and go traffic is irrational. So, I did some math. Turns out that the difference in gas milage combined with the price difference from premium to regular, the savings covers the added insurance of a beater.
The cost of a beater though, isn't covered by fuel savings. Whether or not it makes fiscal sense comes down to the value of saving my WRX, or having two pedals instead of three during rush hour traffic.

Thus, I think I've found a new project: finding a super cheap, reliable car.
The fun part, for anyone else, is that I get to consider some different cars.
Stay tuned for the rants and raves. First up: some hondas.

I'm still here

2009-12-03T22:40:00.003-05:00

Let's keep this short, as I have other things to do.
Other things like put the finishing touches on a paper so boring it has Gorgon-like qualities. Working on it turns my mind to stone. I literally go cross-eyed every few lines.
It's for a professor who I dislike. Why? Because he is rude.
As in, after class when two students walk up to the desk to ask questions he first pulls out his cell phone, dials voice mail and listens to his messages before acknowledging our presence.
Rude.
I don't care how many doctorates in whatever you have, there is no excuse for asshattery.

I just wanted to, in a thought, let everyone know that I'm a little crazy.
I have a dedicated toothbrush whose sole purpose is to clean the aluminum pedals in my car.
It is NOT the toothbrush used to get in the little crevices on the rims.
The two are completely different.
Either toothbrush, in itself, is infinitely more interesting than this paper.
One is blue.
That is all.

The Minivan

2009-11-09T19:16:00.005-05:00

If you ever watch a balding, henpecked father laden with diaper bags struggle down the street while his bundle of joy screams and cries, you can't help but feel a little bit of pity for the poor sap.
The saddest part of the equation though, its to think that standing there could be a man, with every bit of car-loving machismo as the boy-racers or muscle car crowd that has been reduced to driving the worst class of automobile imaginable: the minivan.
This is a vehicle which invariably has cheerios crushed in between the seat cushions, bits of broken toys hiding under the seats and a plethora of unidentifiable stains decorating the interior. More than likely it smells of baby-sick, and has a Spongebob disc permanently jammed into the dvd player.
Minivans are on the whole, terrifically ugly. In their early years, they were boxy with none of the appeal of say, Volvo station wagons. As they evolved, they became oval blobs of boring.
I have objected to econocars like the Toyota Corolla as being too beige, but clearly: a minivan could be painted Lamborghini Verde Ithaca (the iconic lime green) and it would still be beige-er than a manila folder on the desk of an accountant.
Lets point out the worst example of minivan design in my opinion: The Nissan Quest

You will notice in the picture that the Quest is located on slightly uneven ground, which partially hides the problems with this particular horror. I like to call this Salvador Dali's minivan, because it literally looks as if it is melting off its own chassis.
Under consideration, I believe that the designer of this particular van fell asleep while drawing up the body lines. It is that boring.
I had more to say about this model, but the blog publisher ate the first draft, and it is impossible to stare at a picture of this van without nodding off.
I can only imagine that anyone who drives this van must be constantly blasting the air conditioning and radio to avoid an unintentional nap that ends in a ten car pile up.

Mourning

2009-10-26T21:40:00.002-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,
I come to you this evening bearing terrible news. The Xbox which I had been borrowing from my friend Tom is, well, dead. I suspect there may have been foul play, as it suddenly was broken after I had been gone for two nights, and the evidence points to a party that apparently happened here, or at least some general slobbery (which usually occurs sin respect for personal property of others).
I haven't come here (suprisingly) to point fingers or hurl accusations, or even insults. I just want to express how sad it makes me that Forza motorsport can no longer be a part of my life.
You see, the Bronx sucks. I've been counting down the days till I can leave, and the hours that I could waste playing Forza (a free, healthy pastime) did a little bit to improve my time here. Of course, some drunk jackass had to kick the Xbox because I'm not allowed to be happy. Hyperbole, and hearsay, but i'm sad.
I miss my stable of virtual cars: the yellow Subaru 22B, the dark silver Ferrari F430, two STi's, and a small collection of Porsche 911's. They're all gone now.
Speaking of things that are gone, my wallet has also dissapeared. And I mean straight vanished into thin air and is no goddamn where. Thats the whole story, there was no wild party where I lost my pants, no debaucherous irresponsible frenzy. In fact, all I did that day was go to class and go to Taco Bell. Perhaps I was irresponsible at the Taco Bell, wolfing down a Crunchwrap Supreme and a Cheesey Gordita Crunch washed down with their special brand of Mountain Dew in a manner that was totally disrespectful to my digestive tract, but damn it: it was delicious.
I planned to talk a little bit about the Volkswagen CC. I first ran across one sitting in parking lot in East Hampton, and it actually made me stop and look at it for almost a minute. On the outside, it looks good. When I went to VW's website to acquire pictures I found that, well, it looks good in black, mostly. I can't reccommend this car though, because I haven't gotten to know it well enough. The red Ferrari 360 Spyder I saw in East Hampton the next morning, though, I can endorse with no such qualms.

Improving the World Through Criticism

2009-10-14T21:38:00.003-04:00

I'll try to keep it short because I have things I should be doing, like practicing accounting problems.
Have you ever looked at an accounting textbook? Whenever I try to read a sentence my eyes cross. I think the problem is that it was written by accountants. Even when they try to be interesting and edgy, they are so boring that I want to hurt myself. Yeah the paragraph begins with "Morrow Snowboards, inc" so its got to be captivating and extreme right? Sorry fuckers, you lost me at "financial statements". Nothing is cool about a 10K form.

There's more proof everyday that the majority of people are fucking idiots. Take for example the new 2010 Kia Forte Koup. (link for the lazy) Its like a late model Civic and a new Camaro had a lovechild. And you know what? I don't care. I can't get worked up over every shitty econocar that is peddled to people who dont care about vehicle quality, performance, looks or ever getting laid again. What pisses me off is the fact they spelled Coupe with a "K"and an "oup". It hurts my brain, but what hurts more is that it probably didn't hurt the brains of millions of other people.

Oh and the rear bumper painted black to look like a diffuser. Sweet Kia. Did you paint a picture of a real engine under the hood too?

Sometimes I look around and think this can't be real life. My fellow man is far too stupid, far too base, far too ignorant to justify any form of Humanism. Then I get a bitter taste in my mouth thinking about all the pretentious self-righteous assholes there are. I guess I fall in the latter camp, but I'd rather be an asshole than ignorant.
It's all a lot to deal with.

Porsche Perfected

2009-10-06T00:04:00.005-04:00

If there's one thing in the world I love, its my wonderful girlfriend. (beauty, brains, personality: check) If there are two things, well they would be her and the classic Porsche 911. It's rash and crude to compare women to cars, so I'll keep it to a minimum. Watching an air-cooled Porsche 911 drive down the street, you'll notice that men whip their heads around to stare. The same phenomenon occurs when she (yes, her) walks down the street. The identical salivation and awkward staring leaves me less than inclined to leave either unattended.
Before I put my foot in my mouth, and offend some of you dear readers, I think I'll turn my attention to a remarkable car that has appeared among the sorts of websites my fellow car nerds and I peruse: the Singer 911.
Autoblog tells you that its based on an 80's 911, with full carbon bodywork yadda yadda.
Horsepower, torque, suspension.

Leave that aside, just look at it. It screams classic 911 while simultaneously screaming by you on the highway. Imagine a car with modern performance (0 to 60: 3.9s) that oozes class the way this does.
This is a Porsche lovers Porsche.
I want one.

And one more gratuitous shot I'll leave for you to drool over. As for the girl, well she's mine to drool over. Get your own.

Here goes...

2009-09-19T22:51:00.003-04:00

One must take steps not to sound desperate, yes?
I mean, isn't the usual recommendation to play it cool, kid, real cool...
So then how do I casually let her know I need her?
I suppose I could start by recollecting the early days of getting to know her, surreptitiously glossing over the occasions where I stuck my foot in my mouth. I could tell her how she makes me laugh, how hours of conversation seem to take seconds. Hyperbole aside, I could inform her that she is definitely the coolest girl I've ever met. Where other girls cause me to roll my eyes at their air headed-ness and naivete, she continually impresses me. Although she hates math, she's sharp as a tack.
I could tell her that one of the reasons I fell for her was a trip to the public library. Yeah, I'm a nerd, but I appreciate a reader.
There's flashes of memory I associate with my feelings for her. Riding shotgun out to her house, the windows down in the sunshine. Rushing outside of the bar to watch a brawl. Everything is more fun with her.
She's beautiful, I stare into her eyes for hours. She fits perfectly in my arms. Laying curled up with her is perfect comfort. I've sworn on occasion that we don't even speak, but just beam thoughts to each other.
To be loved by her, it's amazing. I feel it begins to define me as a man, as her man. The depression I usually suffer through living in the Bronx is surprisingly absent, even when she is hundreds of miles away.
She's all I need, I love her.
That's the truth.

The Respect Principle

2009-09-19T20:56:00.003-04:00

My phone rang at 7:18 a.m. this morning in Riverdale. I rolled over, didn't recognize the number and let the call go to voice mail. When I called back a few hours later, I had a discussion with my neighbors upstairs about the party that had occurred at my apartment the night before. Apparently, it went on until about 7 a.m.
Reportedly, there was a great deal of banging and noise.

This was news to me.

When I came into the apartment, I was greeted by four or five strangers, one of whom was standing in the hallway in his underwear. Politely, I asked him who the fuck he was and why he was naked in my house. This apparently caught the individual off guard.
Between the broken furniture, the obsequious beer cans and the passed out sophomores in the fetal position, I had more than enough reasons to flip a shit.

For people to get along living in close quarters, like say an apartment building, it is my contention that we have to operate on the respect principle. That is, show respect to our roommates and neighbors and be treated with respect in return. I guess its a variation of the golden rule, but I don't mean to moralize.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because you're in college doesn't give you free reign to act an ass. Falling down drunk is not attractive. Yes, we've all had a night or two where we drank too much, but this is not an occasion to be proud of. The freshman habit of collecting liquor bottles, its just amateur. Woo, you drink! *golf clap*

Frankly, I don't have the time nor the energy to play diplomat, covering up for my roommates lack of respect and the resultant imposition on our neighbors. I just hope I can get my message through to the persons responsible for turning a civilized apartment into a flophouse fraternity. Its a message I seem to be repeating again and again: Turn on your brains.

Back in the Bronx

2009-09-14T18:24:00.002-04:00

I'm worried about this post.
First off, I'm scared I'll sound like an old man complaining about today's youth, telling them to get off my lawn, you know the deal.
Second, I might just sound like a misanthropic basket case.
Whatever, its just the internet.

I'm back at school. Again, yeah. Last semester. I should be stoked right?
Well I'm not. I'm pissed. Another go round in this stupid system. Another chance to get exploited monetarily by the bastards who have the balls to call themselves "educators."
I don't mean you, professors, or even you, administration. I'm talking about the publishers of textbooks. I spent two hundred dollars today on three books. It would have been three hundred had I purchased the other "required" text I apparently cannot live without. Before you jump at me, I bought used. Still gouged. Where do these people get off pricing books like this? Viewing supposed scholars as a "captive pricing" market? Its disgusting.

Maybe its because I'm a "super-senior", meaning I've been in school too long, but I'm really tired of people who think they're the shit. Trust me, miss 20 year old, you don't know shit about dick. Sophomore males, stop acting like you run shit. You're not bad ass, you're not hard. Walk 10 blocks south and see how far you get. The next young ass person who talks to me like they know everything is going to get bitch smacked.

On my final tirade, I'd like to set my sights on Bank of America.
You are a bunch of incompetent argumentative assholes. I hope your shitty bank fails, and all of you useless fuckers are left penniless and alone. The only talent I've run into there is the ability to talk out of both sides of ones mouth, to at once tell me I'm a valued customer and crap all over me.

Oh, Ferrari has unveiled a new model slated to replace the aging F430, stay tuned for that.

Really people?

2009-07-11T15:57:00.002-04:00

In an earlier post (this one) I ranted about some people whose public grooming habits on the subway were a source of nausea and unease. Yesterday, while perusing a store that I won't mention, I saw something that struck a similar chord.
This is the beach, and so invariably a fraction of the population will get sunburned. Sunburn sucks, it hurts, and the peeling is gross and uncomfortable. I wasn't at all surprised to see a family of tourists wander into this store, and the poor daughter suffering from a bad burn on her back. But as they looked at the various items in the display case, I was surprised to see that her mom was scratching her daughters back, littering the floor with little bits of her skin.
Please never do this again in a public place. It was so gross I had to leave.
Look, scratch your back (or your friends backs, hell, even invite some strangers in and scratch their backs) in your home, hotel room, condo, the back of your Ford Econoline van, anywhere but in front of other people. I mean, would it be o.k. for me to shave my chest in the middle of a store? Hell no. Why do you get to drop chunks of dead skin all over someone else's floor? Why, mother, do you think this is an alright precedent to set for your daughter?
Yes, its the beach. We're all a little more relaxed here; but, please turn on your brains.

No Rain

2009-07-10T23:25:00.006-04:00

Well the title of this post is an obvious reference to the Blind Melon song of the same name, which should be promptly bit-torrented (or purchased on iTunes, you fucking boy scouts) if you don't already have it.
I left off complaining about the constant rain in the Bronx, but since then I have fled the city and holed up in Dewey Beach, Delaware. Its here where karma got me. There I was, listening to NPR podcasts on my iPod, when I dozed off. I woke up some time later and a good deal more red. No more complaining about the weather.
What I'd like to talk about today is a car I saw on the road, the BMW X6. Now I didn't see it at the New York Auto Show because I frankly couldn't be bothered to walk over to that section of the convention center. Bavarian Motor Works touts the X6 as the "first ever Sports Activity Coupe". their website: see I wasn't lying. I dont mean to argue over minutae, but it seems to me that a coupe has, well, two doors. There are borderline variations, like the Mazda RX-8 with its clever backwards opening half door, but the X6 doesn't reside on this border. It has four doors. This would make it a Sports Activity Sedan, no?
So the marketing boys made a mistake, but they'd tell you they were being creative: martinis all around! Frankly I don't care about the manufacturers wording (they pulled the same sort of thing advertising the X5 as a "sports activity vehicle" in order to get away from the stigma associated with the SUV). What makes this car noteworthy is that it is collosally ugly.

Here's a picture BMW provided, meaning somewhere a photographer spent an hour with this car and this is the best shot they came up with.
It looks like one of those cartoon-ish photoshops of a normal car. The cargo space is cut down considerably by the silly rake of the roof, and what is an SUV size car doing anyway, in trying to pass itself off as a coupe?
Even more, where does this fit in the model line?
The X3 is barely a BMW, more econocar than euro. The X5 is your truck size BMW, competing with the Volvo XC90, Range Rover, yadda yadda. So whats the deal with the X6?
Dare I even mention that the MSRP is around $56,000 USD? For the smaller engine. And yeah, its a BMW, so be prepared to pay for options like "floor mats." Moderately equipped I ran the MSRP up to 67 grand.
If you want one: buy it in black, tint the windows and drive it only at night. That way no one will see you and label you as that moron who bought the ugliest car BMW makes.

More Fashion Faux-Pauses

2009-06-24T16:23:00.003-04:00

If you live in New York City or the surrounding metropolitan area you will have noticed that we are in the middle of the rainy season. It has rained as far back as I can remember, and probably farther than that. I imagine there will be a day when we sit our grandchildren on our knee and regale them with stories of "the dry days" when there was actually honest to goodness sunshine. This should be distinguished from the "dry days" when we all quit drinking, or the "dry days" when there were no chicks at the bar. (tee hee)
So despite being continually soaked, I have managed to look around and observe an alarming trend in my peers. Namely, people are wearing flip flops around in the rain. Now, I can see if it was raining at the beach and a horde of people were caught in their sandals, but this is the Bronx. Yes, beautiful Bronx NY where the streets are paved in shit. Literally, to walk a block in this place is to navigate a minefield of dog turds, mostly laid by pit bulls on chain leashes. The drivers ed manual will remind you that the most dangerous time to be driving in the rain is at the outset of the shower, as dirt and oil are lifted from the tarmac by the water creating especially slippery conditions. If we apply this logic to the Bronx sidewalk-dog turd situation described above, we can only conclude that the precipitation creates what is essentially "shit soup." You, my fellow human beings, choose to tread through this in next-to bare feet. Wearing flip flops means they will spray that disgusting water up the backs of your legs. How is it that you all haven't already died of dysentery?

Dumbfounded.

2009-06-18T15:21:00.004-04:00

Tim McGraw has a cologne now.
You were probably thinking "which high end boutique will I have to run to to obtain this?" but relax, you can find this fine product at Kohl's.
Who wants to smell like a country music singer? And what does this even smell like, dip spit and Jim Beam?
Sometimes I just don't even know anymore....

The New grand Bentley

2009-06-17T10:59:00.004-04:00

I'll be honest. I was going to talk today about the Bentley Azure, but when I went to Bentley's website to aquire their published performance figures, I stumbled upon a flash advertisement for their new grand Bentley. I've mentioned before how odious I find websites that force their own soundtrack upon the viewer, but I suppose in this instance I clicked "watch" so I'll just have to lump it. My complaint is that the soothing piano and violin was clipping the entire length of Bentley's pitch about soul and craftsmanship. It wasnt as if I had my little laptop speakers turned up too high either, the music was routed through a marginally impressive surround sound system (impressive in the sense that I can impress my music upon the neighbors, audiophiles would probably roll their eyes and go back to reading amperage specifications for some new 1300 dollar cd player). Bentley, did no one proof the ad before you published it?
Secondly, I spent a good minute waiting to drool over some picture of the promised British luxury masterpeice. At the end of it all, there are two shots available. This one:And a close up profile shot of the hood ornament. Is that all the designing you have done on the car? I feel duped and irritated, so I'm going to save raving about the Azure and how its clearly superior to the Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe for when I can get past Bentley's advertising blue-balls.

And now for something completely different,

2009-06-06T21:21:00.004-04:00

I'm going to post this picture, simply because of the shivers that go down my spine when I look at it. Maybe you too have the same reaction. There is no question, it is hands down gorgeous.
I will talk more about it later.

This is probably as good a time as any to remind you all that since I took these pictures (the recently posted ones of cars) they are mine. You really shouldn't steal them, as its totally bad karma.

A Late Review from the New York Auto Show

2009-06-06T20:41:00.005-04:00

So that (the Dodge Circuit thing) was a test.
It seems I've stumbled upon my pictures from this years auto show, which means I get to waste some time telling you (the internet) exactly what I think about the newest offerings from the international auto industry.
First things first, Ferrari wasn't there this year. Somewhere I have pictures of a 612, and an F430 from previous years, but to get your dose of the rearing horse you'll have to go somewhere else.

So this is the Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid. If you'd like to pay more for one, you can have it from Cadillac in the form of an Escalade. Forgo the fake wood trim, and this behemoth could be yours for around $52,000 USD. But you're the American consumer, and you've just made a decision that you should be commended for, what with choosing a hybrid that gets a rated 20mpg highway. Yes, you shelled out the extra dough (17 thousand dollars over the base model, but who's counting?) for the advertised six extra mpg in the city. How will everyone else know that you bought the eco-friendly one?
Fear not, because Cheverolet has it covered. The manufacturer has covered the exterior of the vehicle almost entirely in" hybrid" stickers. On the display model this year I counted seven, including the writing down the side of the vehicle in almost foot high letters.

Yeah....so I'm not sure what amazes me more, the fact that somewhere a development team thought this was attractive, or the fact that there is a market segment that actually likes this look.

2009-06-06T20:35:00.002-04:00

This, Ladies and Gentleman is the Dodge Circuit. It was on display at the 2009 New York Auto Show. If you thought "oh that's a a tarted up Lotus" you were right. The big difference is that it runs on what is essentially a big bank of laptop batteries, like the Tesla Roadster. Its just too bad about what they did to the front end of it, but this is the same company that produces the PT Cruiser, so we really shouldn't expect much in the styling department.
So if it were available, would I buy it? No. I wouldn't be caught dead in it. I'd rather walk.

A word about Fashion

2009-06-03T23:37:00.002-04:00

So in the April 2009 issue of Maxim, the magazine announces that short sleeved dress shirts are back in again! This is excellent news, because I was running out of places to keep my pocket protector.
Let me be explicit: Short sleeved dress shirts go best with slide-rules and virginity.
They are about as cool as Teva sandals and fanny packs.
Here's a novel idea for those of you who are feeling that your forearms are being suffocated by broadcloth: roll up your sleeves.
The extra cloth that will end up around your elbows lends you a laid-back air that comes across as, dare I say, cool. Additionally, the visual weight on your left and right serves to balance out the visual weight and focus of your tie (you are wearing a tie, aren't you?). Beauty is all about balance.

No, short sleeved dress shirts are not in. They never were in, and they never will be.
The end.

Attn: Web Designers & Marketers

2009-03-17T23:49:00.003-04:00

So in surfing the internet I've come across some sites that are worth mention. These are the pompous, presumptuous sites that attack with audio visual presentations; usually trying to convince me to buy something. Let me be absolutely clear: this is unwelcome, irritating, and fucking annoying.
Dell's website announcing their competition for the Macbook Air is a great example. I'd link you, but I don't want anybody to think for a minute I was endorsing this hunk of crap. The site bombards you with some music and a video of models posing with the laptop. Fuck yeah! Let me buy this, so I can be as happy as these schmucks who got paid to have their picture taken. If you can find the specs, you'll see its technologically inferior to the Air and MORE EXPENSIVE! What a sham.
The other site which aurally raped me today was Syke 9, presenting itself as an energy drink website. The fine print in their commercials says "sponsored by vtsf" at the bottom. Virginia Tobacco Settlement Foundation? Is this a clever anti-cigarette campaign? No, its not clever. Its a shitty commercial and a shitty website.

God, give me strength.

Oh and there is an Ed Hardy edition Smart Car, and Ed Hardy wine. The fact there is a market for either of those proves that there is a segment of our population with some money, but no taste. If you own the Ed Hardy Smart, why not have a couple bottles of Ed Hardy wine, and drive yourself into a fucking wall. Jackass.

Bee Tee Dubz

2009-03-05T05:49:00.001-05:00

February is real short anyway, so its probably the best month to take off.
Fear not, I haven't abandoned this project.
Soon I'll be back to hurling abuse at people.

Much Love,
Matt B

Car Shopping in a Recession

2009-03-05T05:14:00.006-05:00

So I'm laying here in my hospital bed (needed a broken collarbone from snowboarding repaired) watching television and laughing about the new Range Rover ad campaign. Many of you probably laughed along with me when Land Rover was purchased by Tata motors, and the former symbol of the might of the British Empire came under the financial control of India. The latest US ad campaign from Land Rover makes me laugh even harder, but then again, it could be the morphine.

The ad shows a Range Rover Sport driving along a beautiful coastal highway while the narrator discusses the reasons you, the American consumer, should buy one.
It turns out that the Range Rover Sport is a smart car to buy because of its low rate of depreciation, and the resulting high resale value.
The ad ends by showing the low monthly cost for leasing one of these Range Rovers. Go ahead! Just remember that, at the end of your lease period, you'll have nothing left to resell.....

Our Impending Doom

2009-01-25T23:05:00.003-05:00

Well if you haven't seen Al Gore's movie An Inconvenient Truth, you should.
The fact is that our cars, yours and mine, belch out carbon dioxide in their exhausts. Well, really they spew a host of gasses, carbon monoxide for example, but if you have watched Mr. Gore's film you will understand why carbon dioxide is the important one. Turns out that ever since the industrial revolution, we've been releasing carbon dioxide by burning fossil fuels.
So, this gas traps energy from the sun by reflecting it back down after it has bounced of the planets surface. Global warming. The glaciers have been receding, the polar ice is melting. As it melts we will lose the advantage of the sun radiation reflecting icecaps, compounding the problem. This is real, the internet says so: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7843186.stm

So, red alert, take evasive action, buy one of these newfangled cars.
Chevrolet is working furiously on the Volt, slated for the 2010 model year. It is an electric car, which has a gasoline generator to recharge its batteries. This is different from your mothers Prius or Lexus hybrid, because those use the gas engine to drive the wheels. This doesn't.
Its a huge step, so give Detroit a little golf clap.
Lets see what our friends across the Pacific have been up to while domestic auto has been busy developing the science that allows a car as advanced as the Volt.
Hm, well according to Honda, they started leasing a car in California called the FCX clarity: http://automobiles.honda.com/fcx-clarity/
The name hearkens back to the CRX coupes Honda brought us in the very latest 80's and early 90's, but this car is not just a high mpg lightweight commuter car, its a hydrogen powered car. Its byproducts are heat and water.
Is anybody still clapping for Detroit?
Its too easy to point fingers at the Big Three and "player hate." Lets point a finger at the people who came up with this whole Ethanol idea. Basically, we decided that we should ween off our dependence on foreign oil by blending in an alcohol we derive from our corn crop. Everybody at GM gave each other high fives as they put "Flexfuel" badges on all their giant SUVs to announce to the world that they can run on E85. To put it bluntly: Whoop dee god damn doo.
Did no one think about the fact that by processing sugar cane, you can yield more ethanol with less crop? There's a reason Brazil exports so much of it. No, like upright citizens of the US we went ahead and made ours out of corn.
Newsflash: Corn is food.
Oh, also, people are starving.
Does anybody find it objectionable that we are using excess food to run our giant unncessary vehicles? You know, the ones using practically ancient suspension technology, the ones where all the interior bits don't fit together quite right.
From the last I had read, Nascar cars still use leaded fuel. This has to do with the stress the valves are under, and the lead helps to keep them from shattering, or something like that.
You might say that the whole sport is completely backwards.
But then you'd be offending alot of people, the masses who stand around all day drinking fine American lagers while huffing leaded exhaust fumes for five hundred laps, waiting for a crash.
People, if we want to keep from wiping ourselves off the planet, we've got to do better than this.
Does anybody remember such a thing as durable goods? Things made so they could be repaired rather than replaced? Sometimes in this modern society, you can't help but feel like you're completely surrounded by cheap crap. Out there somewhere is a pile 100 feet deep of broken cheap crap and the plastic packaging we bought it in.

Its enough to make you crazy.

Make Some Noise for Detroit

2009-01-12T19:35:00.002-05:00

So while I was having my car repaired, after a minor collision due to semi losing a tread in front of me on the highway, I walked by a Kia dealership.
In the showroom they had one of the new Kia Soul's. This is a sub-compact SUV, with room for five, and a sizable cargo area. First off, the fact a Kia caught my eye is probably something worthwhile to note. Kia's and Hyundai's have typically been the blander cheaper cousins of Japanese compact cars, competing against the Nissan Sentras and Toyota Corollas. An episode of Top Gear from a season or two ago found the three hosts at a loss when trying to find a Pacific Rim car they liked.
But I had just been driving around in a Cobalt, and walking around the Soul I noted that the interior is comparable if not better, and the overall size for passengers is greater than the Cobalts.
Then, I asked a gentleman behind a desk what the price of such a vehicle would be.
He said 13,000.
So instead of a bland econo-car, I can have an oddly stylish compact SUV and still keep three grand in my pocket?
Its the same understeering front wheel drive layout, granted, but I doubt either Soul or Cobalt owners will be showing up to track days. This is a car for the office commute, the grocery store trips, navigating the urban labyrinth and suburban housing developments.
So this brings me to the domestic auto-industry bailout, mostly in supposing that it is a gargantuan waste of taxpayer money.
Where is American auto-engineering excellence? Are there designers in the continental 48 who can draw up a transport that doesn't put the consumer to sleep?
Yes, the Big Three are failing. We can't just blame it on an economic downturn. Its because the past decades domestic autos have been plagued with inferior technology, shoddy interiors in both fit and finish, and a lack of style that makes me wonder if its the children of American car designers who are moving to Williamsburg and dressing like clowns.
For fucks sake, Detroit: Get your act together.
The trend permeates all classes of cars. Italy brings us the Ferrari 599 GTB , Japan has made the Acura NSX, the Toyota Supra, and the Nissan Skyline (and the subsequent stateside GTR). We have the Dodge Viper, which is not so much a sports car as a flashing neon sign to the world regarding the small penis of the owner. We have the Corvette, the style of which has changed so little in my lifetime that even 911 owners find the new models redundant.
Then there is the Ford Mustang, more name than car. Crude suspension and a live rear axle! In 2009!!! This car is anything but cutting edge.
So, screw Detroit. Bad business plans and lackluster products undermined their industry, not this economic downturn.

Days in an Econo-car

2009-01-01T23:15:00.005-05:00

I'd like to start off by saying, Happy New Year!
Welcome, boys and girls, to 2009.
Over the holidays, I've had some work done on my beloved car, so its been in the shop. As a result, I've been driving a 2008 Chevy Cobalt sedan. Let's chat about it, shall we?

Now this is a rental car, so naturally it is the basest of the base models. (We're talking like a pH level hovering around 14) No power windows, no central locking. It is an automatic, so naturally I smash my left foot into the carpet whenever I go to start the thing. I'll admit it, when I first got in the drivers seat, I expected it to suck.

But now I've spent a few days with the little scamp, scooting back and forth between my house and Georgetown. We've developed a bit of a rapport in our time together, and while I expected this car to be terrible, I've learned it is really truly not that terrible.

It feels remarkably cheap, and thats because it is. You can drive away from the Chevy dealer with a 2009 Cobalt for just $16,630. But before you start looking for change under your couch cushions, you have to consider what its going to be like driving this car.
Where as in my car the steering wheel is wrapped in perforated leather, the engineers at GM opted for a textured plastic in the 'bolt. The upshot: it is actually uncomfortable to grip the very part of the car which you should be most intimately connected with. The '99 Corolla which I have borrowed from my sister is in the same class as the Cobalt, but its plastic steering wheel is smooth and comfortable. My point is, a wheel doesn't have to say Momo or be wrapped in Alcantara for me to like it, it just has to not suck. The Cobalt's, well it all sorts of sucks. The bow tie logo is clearly a cheap sticker, and worst of all, it gives you no information on what the wheels are doing.
This, combined with the tendency the car has to understeer in hard cornering almost makes driving exciting, but only exciting in the sense that you are fearing for your life.
The seats are awful. They lack any sort of lateral support, and appear to be designed for very large people.
"So this is perfect!" you might think, while cramming another Hostess cupcake in your mouth and swallowing sin mastication. Sadly, even the larger driver will be disappointed in the Chevy Cobalt because of another of its weaknesses: useless cup holders. The car is equipped with two of them in the center console, but they are only cup holders in the strictest academic sense. Other GM cars, such as the Saab 9-5 Aero, have little pieces of foam rubber which hold ones beverage in place. You won't find those in the Cobalt, and the result is a commuter car which will promptly spill your morning coffee all over your lap were you to turn the wheel to the right. The more rotund consumer would loose his or her Big Gulp to the passenger side foot well at every left turn on the way to IHOP. Now is the time to invest in an auto detailing business, as there will soon be a steady flow of Cobalt owners begging for you to get the cherry Slurpee stains out of their carpets.
The car has some good points, and it would be unfair for me to leave them out.
The windows are made of clear glass, quite good for seeing out of.
The car is surprisingly quick in the low end, owing to the added torque of a 2.2L engine (as opposed to 1.6 to 1.8 L displacements found in late model Hondas and Toyotas). You can, while smashing the accelerator to the floor from a dig, spin the tires a bit. This is an excellent way to vent frustration, but I may have just found it so novel because I was coming from a full time AWD vehicle, which is incapable of such burn outs. (This sacrifice is a worthwhile concession, as the AWD can perform in the snow, where the poor Cobalt is much more likely to get stuck.)
So from zero to thirty, the Cobalt is alright. Inching up toward highway speed; however, is a process so slow and monotonous that I suggest bringing along a crossword puzzle to alleviate the boredom.
The Cobalt comes equipped with a smart little in dash computer which tells you all sorts of information: tire pressure, coolant temp, oil life, instantaneous and average fuel efficiency, as well as your typical trip odometers. This is neat, I really wouldn't mind one in my WRX. You can shuffle through the info displays via a wheel mounted button, but for some reason they have provided two buttons on the wheel. The second button has a symbol which looks like a the return arrow on a computer keyboard, but as of yet I have not been able to find that it does anything at all when depressed. This is much like me when I'm depressed, so I suppose this button and I are kindred spirits.
The on board computer entertained me for upwards of seven minutes, but my delight was again thwarted when I found the radios biggest shortcoming. The LCD screen will display either the radio station frequency or the time. This must have been a cost-cutting measure, as GM saves by only having to supply a small LCD unit in their radios. But then, they needed to add an extra button that does nothing but switch the display between the two values, and wire it so that it worked. It's not only the blatant cheapness which irks me, its the sheer stupidity of this design. Why should I have to divert my eyes from the road long enough to find this little button in order to check the time?
Between the steering, the cupholders that aren't, and the distracting nature of the controls, I can only assume that the Cobalt is trying to kill me.
So here's my final thought: Why would anybody buy this car? Take your 16 thousand dollars, spend 4 thousand on a late model Honda or Toyota, and use the remainder to go buy yourselves some proper shirts, jeans that fit, or the latest Ed Hardy bull crap to adorn yourself with. Hell, spend it on designer drugs and cover charges at your favorite club. The drugs might kill you, but at least you'll be having more fun when you die than if you let the Cobalt murder you through its terribleness.

What the hell are people wearing nowdays?

2008-12-23T20:01:00.003-05:00

I was standing in a department store in Tyson's corner today, looking at the selection of ties, when I noticed something amazing.
Ed Hardy makes ties!
Now for those of you who aren't aware of this new fashion trend, Ed Hardy is a brand which markets "vintage tattoo" inspired clothing and accessories. Imagine, all the tackiness of visible tattoos, now screen printed onto your favorite T-shirt or hooded sweatshirt! Many of the clothes available even have sequins or rhinestones as accents. Be the envy of your friends by wearing this bullshit!
Now the designs center on things like skulls and roses, with weighty terms like "love" and "death" written prominently on the graphics. Now, when my grandfather's navy buddies were getting that inked into their flesh, it was innovative. The permanence of the artwork justified its subject, as arguably "love" should be lasting, and death is anything but temporary. These are weighty concepts with deep philosophical connotations. When you wear a screen print of them on a T-shirt, you look like an ass. An ass with a skull on his shirt.
Ed Hardy markets a cologne, which I assume, in the vein of vintage tatoo-ery, smells like the bowels of a Word War II battleship stationed in the pacific. Eau de man-sweat and diesel, mmm.
But the ties are what really got me. Not only are they horrifically ugly, but the casual nature of tattoos conflicts directly with the purpose of a tie, which is to dress up a bit. These ties make not a lick of sense.
So in conclusion: Christian Audigier please stop. Come on. I said please.

New York

2008-12-08T17:45:00.002-05:00

I don't know what it was that brought me here in the first place.
It certainly wasn't the scenery. Skyscrapers are pretty and all, but I saw all that back in 4th grade on a field trip.
It wasn't the city's excellent and various forms of public transport.
I like art, but it wasn't the Met or the Moma, or the Frick, or galleries that drew me in.
I like music, but even so, there are perfectly good jazz clubs in Georgetown.
No, I buzzed up to New York City because of the bright lights and loud sounds.
Because it wasn't DC.
Because it was large, it stood to reason that I could find anything I wanted here.
It also might have been all the pretty women.

So here it is, four years later. I've gotten settled in, I suppose.
I decorated, and re-decorated. This is easy for a college kid, as all it involves is tacking posters in a new arrangement.
I've seen some things. I've had bottle service at a big expensive club, I've drank Absolut Citron on a friends rooftop in Williamsburg, looking out over the river at Manhattan.
I've stood on another rooftop in the west village, talking about life with a good friend.

There's late night train rides back to the Bronx. Sitting alone on the 4 train as it creeps uptown at 3:30 am. Shows and concerts, window shopping on Fifth Ave, dinner with girls way out of my league. I guess New York hasn't been a total loss.

Come summer, my current obligations to reside in this fair city will cease. I'll have done it, made it through school. Pushing the throttle down with my right foot, speeding across the George Washington Bridge in a car packed with all my earthly belongings, seems pretty appealing.

The only thing that makes me want to stay is the possibility of a future with this girl. But this isn't a livejournal, and I'm not emo enough to pour my soul out to strangers on the internet.
Besides, the way things look now, I'll be shifting gears on the turnpike sometime this July, smiling behind my Costa Del Mar sunglasses, the skyline of this place disappearing over the horizon in my review mirror.

Northbound Traffic

2008-11-30T23:19:00.007-05:00

I've just been looking at cars for the past eight hours.
Well, thats not exactly a fair statement. I've mostly been looking at brake lights, all sorts of different brake lights.
Raise your hand if you drive a car.
Now, raise your hand if you have ever thought about your brake lights.
If you haven't, I really cannot stress hard enough my recommendation that you take a minute out of your routine to do so.
Maybe you don't know this, but the 3rd brake light is a more recent innovation in auto design. Wikkipedia confirms this, calling this light a "Centre High Mount Stop Lamp", which just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?
So these third brake lights, well from what I can glean from the article, are required by law in huge sections of the planet because they reduce accidents. Hurrah! We've figured out one way as a society to stop killing ourselves.
Thomas Edison is credited with inventing the light bulb. Light bulb. Think about it. You've probably got at least two in your home. I bet there's one on near you right now. Every few weeks though, when you reach for your trusty light switch, and the lamp refuses to cooperate.
No biggie, right? New light bulb.
So, how many of you have thought about your brake lights? Eight hours on the road, and I can point out at least ten drivers whose brake lights have given out on them. I can only assume that these people have worn out the poor bulbs by following too closely on an interstate, and been that driver forever on the brakes because he has to avoid becoming one with the lead cars rear bumper. A certain beige Volvo C70 on the turnpike today jumps to mind for exhibiting perfectly this driving style, where by one constantly flashes the brake lights in an asinine and amateur fashion.
Whether or not you have such a driver following you through the rain at highway speeds, not having a third brake light increases the chances that you'll get into a crash. If you do indeed have a death wish, I hope very much that you have the consideration to off yourself in a way which is less detrimental to others. And no, don't go jump off the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, because the investigation will only mean they close down lanes, and the resulting million of us in traffic jams will hate you just as much as we feel sorry for you.

Cliff's Notes: Check your brake lights, don't be a dick.

Traffic

2008-11-26T21:07:00.002-05:00

Look, ladies and gents, you cannot complain about traffic jams if you drive like a moron.
Now, everybody is entitled to get lost now and then, and this means you'll make a wrong turn, or drive 5 mph under the posted limit looking for a street sign. (Unfortunately, if you are lost in the District of Columbia, you'll find that street signs have been almost completely abolished, and the remaining ones have been camouflaged behind foliage.) This is life, and I can't fault anybody for being human. I recently drove from New York down to DC, along the turnpike and generally following I-95, and from what I've seen, drivers have reverted to inexcusable levels of general buffoonery.
Lets start with New York City traffic. The first problem here is that the majority of this traffic consists of New York City drivers. I could write volumes on this particular breed of jackass alone, but lets keep it to bullet points so I don't bore you all cross-eyed. A large percentage of back-ups in the five boroughs is caused simply whenever the roadway requires drivers to merge lanes.
New Yorkers are completely incapable of doing so in a civilized manner, but instead operate on the principal that the more macho driver always has right-of-way.
This results in a great deal of nut-flexing, often between balding Italian men in their Cadillacs and equally balding stockbrokers in BMWs. Between shouts of "ay yo, whats the matter wit ya?" and "Are you serious? This is clearly superior german sports sedan!" there exist drivers like me, young men in low slung Japanese imports, whose car is faster than both the assholes rides in question, but who never get to use this potential speed because nobody will ever fucking merge.
Here's how it works. Remember kindergarten, when we were collectively told all about sharing, and how it made the world go round? Well, that wasn't bullshit. In order to get everybody home faster, we're just going to have to share. This means: Take turns.
For example, you go. Then I go. Then the next car in your lane goes, then the next car in my lane goes. In this manner, the two lanes of traffic seamlessly join into one. Do this properly, and we don't even have to slow down. Which brings me to my next point: How to slow down on a highway.
O.k., so you're pacing the car in front of you allowing for a proper distance based on speed. (How much following distance should I allow? Well, take Drivers Ed., but this time don't sneak off between classes to smoke pot behind the school building.) The car in front of the car in front of the car in front of you slows down. Immediately every car in the line slams on the brakes, dropping speed quickly. But the first car in line will, inevitably, speed up again, leaving all of us other jackasses 15 miles under the speed limit now wasting fuel accelerating again. Clearly, Al Gore would frown on this. I'm with him, but there is a solution: Cover the brake.
Yes, take your foot OFF the accelerator (the right most pedal, its skinny). Move this foot over the brake pedal but, here's the key, don't push down on it until you KNOW you're going to have to stop. By avoiding flashing your brake lights at everyone behind you, you're simultaneously saving the environment and keeping traffic from coming to an unnecessary halt.
Lastly, I would like to comment on the difference between a yield sign and a stop sign. A stop sign is octagonal in shape, red in color, and clearly says "stop" in bold capital letters across its center. It means apply the brakes until the car ceases forward motion. A yield sign means that you are coming into a space where you will be required to merge (see above). Comparing the two last sentences I've written, we can clearly deduce that a yield sign does not equal a stop sign. One particular driver got these two confused on the last leg of my recent trip, so I figured everybody could benefit from a refresher. Do not, under any circumstances, come to a complete and unnecessary stop in the middle of an empty road when yielding is required. All too often, you will wind up with someones Toyota Corolla halfway up your trunk.
I'll just leave off with this: I have installed on my car a set of Hella Supertones, which generate one hundred and eighteen decibels of sound at my command, which this particular driver found out. I refer to these as the "horns of justice." If you can't drive, and fail at it in front of me, I will, with little or no remorse, deafen your dumb ass.

Does Nobody Have Any Class Anymore?

2008-11-25T00:37:00.002-05:00

O.k., so I was riding the subway back after having dinner in the city with one of the most beautiful girls I've ever laid eyes on. I'm contented, after a few glasses of wine, to sit on the 4 train until it reached my final stop at bumfuck "way farther north than anything cool happens" in the Bronx. There was a couple sitting across from me, and I won't mention their race, because it has nothing to do with my point. They were cuddling.
Objection 1) PDA.
I am of the opinion that publicly displaying your affection means either you lack the means to ensure that such actions are private, or the class to, I don't know, erect a tent?
Most of you cretins are, I'm sure, still giggling at the word erect. Don't worry, I had a laugh or two myself.
If Objection 1 were my only problem with the situation, I could probably be dismissed as an uptight prick. And admittedly, if that was the case, I might be. The problem is much greater than that though, because of my second objection to their behavior.
The female of the couple took out some nail-clippers, and began to clip the gentleman's fingernails...on the train....across from me.
Lets make it formal, shall we?
OBJECTION #2: PUBLIC NAIL CLIPPING
I was taught, from a young age, that clipping ones nails was an activity to be conducted only over a trash can. This makes sense, as you don't want to be treading all over shed human cells, since that is just gross. What was assumed during my youth, though, is that I would be clipping my own nails and that it would be in the privacy of my own house.
So, these two blew my mind.
Not only was the gentleman content to display his public grooming habits to the world, but the lady was more than obliging to trim him up, and cast the remnants all over the floor of the train.
Yes, it is New York City. I'm sure at some point, someone who was lacking in options relieved themselves in the very train car i was sitting in. And, you know what? That's ok. It only mildly smells like piss now, and the two bucks was cheaper than a cab. The old saying of beggars and choosers. But, couple sitting across from me, you are moderately well dressed. Your shoes are fairly new. I assume you are going somewhere on this train. (Probably to attempt to procreate, God knows it's easy enough) What in the hell makes you think its alright to trim your nails on the train? Who raised you? Honestly, I want to know. They deserve to be bitch slapped.

If anyone reads this continually, they may notice a recurring theme. Namely, the fact that class has become an alien concept to the majority of the people I'm stuck on this planet with. No no, not class as in the amount of money one makes. Class as in dignity, modesty, and politeness simply for the sake of compassion for your common man.
We seem to have lost it, and frankly, some of you people just disgust me.

Spotlight on Fashion!

2008-11-24T14:48:00.000-05:00

So you're probably thinking "This guy has the balls to make a blog which says its going to talk about fashion, he must know what he's talking about!!"
You'd be wrong. Yes, I've had a subscription to GQ and I read the style section in the Washington Post or the Times, depending on what city I wake up in. However, I am, and I want to be perfectly clear here, NOT cool. I don't own a single item of clothing from American Apparel, my Chuck Taylors are not some neon color, and my pants adequately hide the shape of my legs. Additionally, I don't own a pair of aviator sunglasses, I don't pay attention to indie rock, and I DO NOT use a macbook. My ipod is a few generations old and (great job apple!) is broken.
I don't go to trendy clubs, I'm not always surrounded by a group of friends practicing their graphitti, in fact, I would not describe myself as an artist.
However, I've seen the way all you people are dressing yourselves, and let's be honest. I can do it better.
A) FACIAL HAIR

This is directed at the gentlemen out there, ladies with facial hair will probably be covered in a subsequent post. So guys, lets talk.
Raise your hand if you think mutton chops look good.
Those of you that raised your hands, you're wrong. I know its quite retro to bring back a style from the Civil War era, but your facial hair looks better with a waistcoat and top hat than your slim-fit hooded sweatshirt. Pretend your sideburns are your children who are failing in college: cut them off.
B) T-shirts
It is my learned opinion that V-neck T shirts serve a purpose: to keep people from seeing the collar of your undershirt when the dress shirt you're wearing is casually unbuttoned. This seems self explanatory, but in recent days I've seen more people opting for a V-neck T as their outer garment layer. The intended effect is probably along the lines of "i'm so cool I don't need a proper T shirt" The percieved effect; however, is "I couldn't afford a proper shirt."
If you honestly can't, don't be offended. If your checking account has more than, say, 8.50 in it right now, you should be pissed. I'm insulting you.
C)Neon Colored Shoes.
Gosh, if I were only like you, owner of the day-glo Nike Dunks, my life would be awesome. People would look at me on the subway and think "wow is he ever urban!" Girls would walk up to me in bars and ask me where I had got those shoes, or if they could come back to my apartment to, ahem, "inspect the rest of my wardrobe." (Wink motherfucking wink)
Unfortunately, I am a grade A cracker. Day-glo colors on my feet don't scream "in with it" as much as they scream "clown shoes." I'll stick to my traditionally colored Doc Martens, thank you very much.
Incidentally, when the fuck did Nike become a skateboarding brand? And snowboarding? I'll probably get lumped in with the people chucking bits of brick at the IMF buildings, but globalization sucks and so does Nike. The end.
D) Studded Belts.
I lost a very dear friend earlier this semester when my trusted 3 row pyramid stud belt suffered a leather failure due to tension. This belt had been obtained in high school at Commander Salamander in Georgetown DC, and has come with me to many shows, the top of several mountains in Vermont, and generally appeared anytime I was in a punker mood. Studded belts are cool, they just are. Hipsters, go ahead and wear them. At least THAT isn't what makes me hate your fashion sense.
The caveat here is the painted ones. These are sometimes painted day glo to match your nikes. You're spitting on punk fashion, and while it was cool for punks back in the late 70's to spit on each other at shows: that was then, this is now. Now your studded belt looks cheap and tacky.
Buy some mineral spirits and go back to regular old black leather and silver studs.
E) Skin tight jeans.
< I seem to have found a picture which illustrates the new fashion in pants as well as the phenomenon I have just mentioned regarding undershirts. Bonus!!

Please note, I grew up in the suburbs, and I skateboarded. As such, I will wear jeans that "hang off my ass" or otherwise prominently display my underwear. This is for two reasons. First, I did it growing up as a way of separating myself from other cliques of people my age. In the words of Abe Simpson, it was "the style at the time." Secondly, this is a really good way to make sure you are always wearing fresh underwear. Basically, you don't want to be airing your dirty laundry.
A second note, I like(d) punk rock. This included obtaining and subsequently altering and wearing a pair of red plaid Lip Service brand bondage pants. If you don't know what bondage pants are, you probably won't like them. The important thing to note here is that I have seen places where skin-tight pants were acceptable. Namely, at a punk rock show, or shortly before or after.
The pants everyone is wearing now though, have the close cut of bondage pants, but without the shock value of zippers and plaids. Watered down rock and roll? I think so. Bondage pants were not very comfortable, as they pinned down the wedding tackle. How are these jeans now days comfortable? They seem to fit the same, and people are wearing them everyday to class, work, and I can only assume social functions as well. At least when all these people suffer from lower sperm counts thanks to their pants, they might have less of a chance of passing on their lack of taste to a future generation.

Day One

2008-11-24T14:37:00.000-05:00

Alright, here we are.
I always used to make fun of people who blogged, because well, they seemed to have this idea that their opinion matters. Now then, why should I choose to make one of my own? Well lets see:
First off- There is a general lack of style that seems to have invaded the culture I regretfully must label as "my generation." As you will find out eventually, "hipsters" are to me, a dirty word. Even though there are already many websites, such as "die-hipster.com" devoted to this cause, I feel like I have to add my voice to the fray. Some posts will cover the topic of fashion, and how all of you (yes, you) manage to get it wrong.
Second- Cars. I'm a boy. Y chromosome. So that means I have an unnatural obsession with the automobile and its enthusiasts. Right now, there are many problems with the domestic auto industry and apparently, with the eyes of the people who are in charge of designing the cars automakers will produce. So you, the reader, will get a run down of what exactly I think needs to be done. And remember, I'm on the internet, so I'm an expert.
Third- Bitching. If something in my life sucks and I bitch about it to all my friends, well they'd get tired of me. Somehow, there might be people out there to whom this bitching would be entertainment. I've been told I'm funny when I'm mad, so maybe you'll get some good laughs out of my rantings and ravings.