Spotlight on Fashion!

So you're probably thinking "This guy has the balls to make a blog which says its going to talk about fashion, he must know what he's talking about!!"
You'd be wrong. Yes, I've had a subscription to GQ and I read the style section in the Washington Post or the Times, depending on what city I wake up in. However, I am, and I want to be perfectly clear here, NOT cool. I don't own a single item of clothing from American Apparel, my Chuck Taylors are not some neon color, and my pants adequately hide the shape of my legs. Additionally, I don't own a pair of aviator sunglasses, I don't pay attention to indie rock, and I DO NOT use a macbook. My ipod is a few generations old and (great job apple!) is broken.
I don't go to trendy clubs, I'm not always surrounded by a group of friends practicing their graphitti, in fact, I would not describe myself as an artist.
However, I've seen the way all you people are dressing yourselves, and let's be honest. I can do it better.
A) FACIAL HAIR

This is directed at the gentlemen out there, ladies with facial hair will probably be covered in a subsequent post. So guys, lets talk.
Raise your hand if you think mutton chops look good.
Those of you that raised your hands, you're wrong. I know its quite retro to bring back a style from the Civil War era, but your facial hair looks better with a waistcoat and top hat than your slim-fit hooded sweatshirt. Pretend your sideburns are your children who are failing in college: cut them off.
B) T-shirts
It is my learned opinion that V-neck T shirts serve a purpose: to keep people from seeing the collar of your undershirt when the dress shirt you're wearing is casually unbuttoned. This seems self explanatory, but in recent days I've seen more people opting for a V-neck T as their outer garment layer. The intended effect is probably along the lines of "i'm so cool I don't need a proper T shirt" The percieved effect; however, is "I couldn't afford a proper shirt."
If you honestly can't, don't be offended. If your checking account has more than, say, 8.50 in it right now, you should be pissed. I'm insulting you.
C)Neon Colored Shoes.
Gosh, if I were only like you, owner of the day-glo Nike Dunks, my life would be awesome. People would look at me on the subway and think "wow is he ever urban!" Girls would walk up to me in bars and ask me where I had got those shoes, or if they could come back to my apartment to, ahem, "inspect the rest of my wardrobe." (Wink motherfucking wink)
Unfortunately, I am a grade A cracker. Day-glo colors on my feet don't scream "in with it" as much as they scream "clown shoes." I'll stick to my traditionally colored Doc Martens, thank you very much.
Incidentally, when the fuck did Nike become a skateboarding brand? And snowboarding? I'll probably get lumped in with the people chucking bits of brick at the IMF buildings, but globalization sucks and so does Nike. The end.
D) Studded Belts.
I lost a very dear friend earlier this semester when my trusted 3 row pyramid stud belt suffered a leather failure due to tension. This belt had been obtained in high school at Commander Salamander in Georgetown DC, and has come with me to many shows, the top of several mountains in Vermont, and generally appeared anytime I was in a punker mood. Studded belts are cool, they just are. Hipsters, go ahead and wear them. At least THAT isn't what makes me hate your fashion sense.
The caveat here is the painted ones. These are sometimes painted day glo to match your nikes. You're spitting on punk fashion, and while it was cool for punks back in the late 70's to spit on each other at shows: that was then, this is now. Now your studded belt looks cheap and tacky.
Buy some mineral spirits and go back to regular old black leather and silver studs.
E) Skin tight jeans.
< I seem to have found a picture which illustrates the new fashion in pants as well as the phenomenon I have just mentioned regarding undershirts. Bonus!!

Please note, I grew up in the suburbs, and I skateboarded. As such, I will wear jeans that "hang off my ass" or otherwise prominently display my underwear. This is for two reasons. First, I did it growing up as a way of separating myself from other cliques of people my age. In the words of Abe Simpson, it was "the style at the time." Secondly, this is a really good way to make sure you are always wearing fresh underwear. Basically, you don't want to be airing your dirty laundry.
A second note, I like(d) punk rock. This included obtaining and subsequently altering and wearing a pair of red plaid Lip Service brand bondage pants. If you don't know what bondage pants are, you probably won't like them. The important thing to note here is that I have seen places where skin-tight pants were acceptable. Namely, at a punk rock show, or shortly before or after.
The pants everyone is wearing now though, have the close cut of bondage pants, but without the shock value of zippers and plaids. Watered down rock and roll? I think so. Bondage pants were not very comfortable, as they pinned down the wedding tackle. How are these jeans now days comfortable? They seem to fit the same, and people are wearing them everyday to class, work, and I can only assume social functions as well. At least when all these people suffer from lower sperm counts thanks to their pants, they might have less of a chance of passing on their lack of taste to a future generation.