Let's keep this short, as I have other things to do.
Other things like put the finishing touches on a paper so boring it has Gorgon-like qualities. Working on it turns my mind to stone. I literally go cross-eyed every few lines.
It's for a professor who I dislike. Why? Because he is rude.
As in, after class when two students walk up to the desk to ask questions he first pulls out his cell phone, dials voice mail and listens to his messages before acknowledging our presence.
Rude.
I don't care how many doctorates in whatever you have, there is no excuse for asshattery.
I just wanted to, in a thought, let everyone know that I'm a little crazy.
I have a dedicated toothbrush whose sole purpose is to clean the aluminum pedals in my car.
It is NOT the toothbrush used to get in the little crevices on the rims.
The two are completely different.
Either toothbrush, in itself, is infinitely more interesting than this paper.
One is blue.
That is all.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Minivan
If you ever watch a balding, henpecked father laden with diaper bags struggle down the street while his bundle of joy screams and cries, you can't help but feel a little bit of pity for the poor sap.
The saddest part of the equation though, its to think that standing there could be a man, with every bit of car-loving machismo as the boy-racers or muscle car crowd that has been reduced to driving the worst class of automobile imaginable: the minivan.
This is a vehicle which invariably has cheerios crushed in between the seat cushions, bits of broken toys hiding under the seats and a plethora of unidentifiable stains decorating the interior. More than likely it smells of baby-sick, and has a Spongebob disc permanently jammed into the dvd player.
Minivans are on the whole, terrifically ugly. In their early years, they were boxy with none of the appeal of say, Volvo station wagons. As they evolved, they became oval blobs of boring.
I have objected to econocars like the Toyota Corolla as being too beige, but clearly: a minivan could be painted Lamborghini Verde Ithaca (the iconic lime green) and it would still be beige-er than a manila folder on the desk of an accountant.
Lets point out the worst example of minivan design in my opinion: The Nissan Quest
You will notice in the picture that the Quest is located on slightly uneven ground, which partially hides the problems with this particular horror. I like to call this Salvador Dali's minivan, because it literally looks as if it is melting off its own chassis.
Under consideration, I believe that the designer of this particular van fell asleep while drawing up the body lines. It is that boring.
I had more to say about this model, but the blog publisher ate the first draft, and it is impossible to stare at a picture of this van without nodding off.
I can only imagine that anyone who drives this van must be constantly blasting the air conditioning and radio to avoid an unintentional nap that ends in a ten car pile up.
The saddest part of the equation though, its to think that standing there could be a man, with every bit of car-loving machismo as the boy-racers or muscle car crowd that has been reduced to driving the worst class of automobile imaginable: the minivan.
This is a vehicle which invariably has cheerios crushed in between the seat cushions, bits of broken toys hiding under the seats and a plethora of unidentifiable stains decorating the interior. More than likely it smells of baby-sick, and has a Spongebob disc permanently jammed into the dvd player.
Minivans are on the whole, terrifically ugly. In their early years, they were boxy with none of the appeal of say, Volvo station wagons. As they evolved, they became oval blobs of boring.
I have objected to econocars like the Toyota Corolla as being too beige, but clearly: a minivan could be painted Lamborghini Verde Ithaca (the iconic lime green) and it would still be beige-er than a manila folder on the desk of an accountant.
Lets point out the worst example of minivan design in my opinion: The Nissan Quest
You will notice in the picture that the Quest is located on slightly uneven ground, which partially hides the problems with this particular horror. I like to call this Salvador Dali's minivan, because it literally looks as if it is melting off its own chassis.
Under consideration, I believe that the designer of this particular van fell asleep while drawing up the body lines. It is that boring.
I had more to say about this model, but the blog publisher ate the first draft, and it is impossible to stare at a picture of this van without nodding off.
I can only imagine that anyone who drives this van must be constantly blasting the air conditioning and radio to avoid an unintentional nap that ends in a ten car pile up.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Mourning
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I come to you this evening bearing terrible news. The Xbox which I had been borrowing from my friend Tom is, well, dead. I suspect there may have been foul play, as it suddenly was broken after I had been gone for two nights, and the evidence points to a party that apparently happened here, or at least some general slobbery (which usually occurs sin respect for personal property of others).
I haven't come here (suprisingly) to point fingers or hurl accusations, or even insults. I just want to express how sad it makes me that Forza motorsport can no longer be a part of my life.
You see, the Bronx sucks. I've been counting down the days till I can leave, and the hours that I could waste playing Forza (a free, healthy pastime) did a little bit to improve my time here. Of course, some drunk jackass had to kick the Xbox because I'm not allowed to be happy. Hyperbole, and hearsay, but i'm sad.
I miss my stable of virtual cars: the yellow Subaru 22B, the dark silver Ferrari F430, two STi's, and a small collection of Porsche 911's. They're all gone now.
Speaking of things that are gone, my wallet has also dissapeared. And I mean straight vanished into thin air and is no goddamn where. Thats the whole story, there was no wild party where I lost my pants, no debaucherous irresponsible frenzy. In fact, all I did that day was go to class and go to Taco Bell. Perhaps I was irresponsible at the Taco Bell, wolfing down a Crunchwrap Supreme and a Cheesey Gordita Crunch washed down with their special brand of Mountain Dew in a manner that was totally disrespectful to my digestive tract, but damn it: it was delicious.
I planned to talk a little bit about the Volkswagen CC. I first ran across one sitting in parking lot in East Hampton, and it actually made me stop and look at it for almost a minute. On the outside, it looks good. When I went to VW's website to acquire pictures I found that, well, it looks good in black, mostly. I can't reccommend this car though, because I haven't gotten to know it well enough. The red Ferrari 360 Spyder I saw in East Hampton the next morning, though, I can endorse with no such qualms.
I come to you this evening bearing terrible news. The Xbox which I had been borrowing from my friend Tom is, well, dead. I suspect there may have been foul play, as it suddenly was broken after I had been gone for two nights, and the evidence points to a party that apparently happened here, or at least some general slobbery (which usually occurs sin respect for personal property of others).
I haven't come here (suprisingly) to point fingers or hurl accusations, or even insults. I just want to express how sad it makes me that Forza motorsport can no longer be a part of my life.
You see, the Bronx sucks. I've been counting down the days till I can leave, and the hours that I could waste playing Forza (a free, healthy pastime) did a little bit to improve my time here. Of course, some drunk jackass had to kick the Xbox because I'm not allowed to be happy. Hyperbole, and hearsay, but i'm sad.
I miss my stable of virtual cars: the yellow Subaru 22B, the dark silver Ferrari F430, two STi's, and a small collection of Porsche 911's. They're all gone now.
Speaking of things that are gone, my wallet has also dissapeared. And I mean straight vanished into thin air and is no goddamn where. Thats the whole story, there was no wild party where I lost my pants, no debaucherous irresponsible frenzy. In fact, all I did that day was go to class and go to Taco Bell. Perhaps I was irresponsible at the Taco Bell, wolfing down a Crunchwrap Supreme and a Cheesey Gordita Crunch washed down with their special brand of Mountain Dew in a manner that was totally disrespectful to my digestive tract, but damn it: it was delicious.
I planned to talk a little bit about the Volkswagen CC. I first ran across one sitting in parking lot in East Hampton, and it actually made me stop and look at it for almost a minute. On the outside, it looks good. When I went to VW's website to acquire pictures I found that, well, it looks good in black, mostly. I can't reccommend this car though, because I haven't gotten to know it well enough. The red Ferrari 360 Spyder I saw in East Hampton the next morning, though, I can endorse with no such qualms.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Improving the World Through Criticism
I'll try to keep it short because I have things I should be doing, like practicing accounting problems.
Have you ever looked at an accounting textbook? Whenever I try to read a sentence my eyes cross. I think the problem is that it was written by accountants. Even when they try to be interesting and edgy, they are so boring that I want to hurt myself. Yeah the paragraph begins with "Morrow Snowboards, inc" so its got to be captivating and extreme right? Sorry fuckers, you lost me at "financial statements". Nothing is cool about a 10K form.
There's more proof everyday that the majority of people are fucking idiots. Take for example the new 2010 Kia Forte Koup. (link for the lazy) Its like a late model Civic and a new Camaro had a lovechild. And you know what? I don't care. I can't get worked up over every shitty econocar that is peddled to people who dont care about vehicle quality, performance, looks or ever getting laid again. What pisses me off is the fact they spelled Coupe with a "K"and an "oup". It hurts my brain, but what hurts more is that it probably didn't hurt the brains of millions of other people.
Oh and the rear bumper painted black to look like a diffuser. Sweet Kia. Did you paint a picture of a real engine under the hood too?
Sometimes I look around and think this can't be real life. My fellow man is far too stupid, far too base, far too ignorant to justify any form of Humanism. Then I get a bitter taste in my mouth thinking about all the pretentious self-righteous assholes there are. I guess I fall in the latter camp, but I'd rather be an asshole than ignorant.
It's all a lot to deal with.
Have you ever looked at an accounting textbook? Whenever I try to read a sentence my eyes cross. I think the problem is that it was written by accountants. Even when they try to be interesting and edgy, they are so boring that I want to hurt myself. Yeah the paragraph begins with "Morrow Snowboards, inc" so its got to be captivating and extreme right? Sorry fuckers, you lost me at "financial statements". Nothing is cool about a 10K form.
There's more proof everyday that the majority of people are fucking idiots. Take for example the new 2010 Kia Forte Koup. (link for the lazy) Its like a late model Civic and a new Camaro had a lovechild. And you know what? I don't care. I can't get worked up over every shitty econocar that is peddled to people who dont care about vehicle quality, performance, looks or ever getting laid again. What pisses me off is the fact they spelled Coupe with a "K"and an "oup". It hurts my brain, but what hurts more is that it probably didn't hurt the brains of millions of other people.
Oh and the rear bumper painted black to look like a diffuser. Sweet Kia. Did you paint a picture of a real engine under the hood too?
Sometimes I look around and think this can't be real life. My fellow man is far too stupid, far too base, far too ignorant to justify any form of Humanism. Then I get a bitter taste in my mouth thinking about all the pretentious self-righteous assholes there are. I guess I fall in the latter camp, but I'd rather be an asshole than ignorant.
It's all a lot to deal with.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Porsche Perfected
Before I put my foot in my mouth, and offend some of you dear readers, I think I'll turn my attention to a remarkable car that has appeared among the sorts of websites my fellow car nerds and I peruse: the Singer 911.
Autoblog tells you that its based on an 80's 911, with full carbon bodywork yadda yadda.
Horsepower, torque, suspension.
Leave that aside, just look at it. It screams classic 911 while simultaneously screaming by you on the highway. Imagine a car with modern performance (0 to 60: 3.9s) that oozes class the way this does.
This is a Porsche lovers Porsche.
I want one.
And one more gratuitous shot I'll leave for you to drool over. As for the girl, well she's mine to drool over. Get your own.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Here goes...
One must take steps not to sound desperate, yes?
I mean, isn't the usual recommendation to play it cool, kid, real cool...
So then how do I casually let her know I need her?
I suppose I could start by recollecting the early days of getting to know her, surreptitiously glossing over the occasions where I stuck my foot in my mouth. I could tell her how she makes me laugh, how hours of conversation seem to take seconds. Hyperbole aside, I could inform her that she is definitely the coolest girl I've ever met. Where other girls cause me to roll my eyes at their air headed-ness and naivete, she continually impresses me. Although she hates math, she's sharp as a tack.
I could tell her that one of the reasons I fell for her was a trip to the public library. Yeah, I'm a nerd, but I appreciate a reader.
There's flashes of memory I associate with my feelings for her. Riding shotgun out to her house, the windows down in the sunshine. Rushing outside of the bar to watch a brawl. Everything is more fun with her.
She's beautiful, I stare into her eyes for hours. She fits perfectly in my arms. Laying curled up with her is perfect comfort. I've sworn on occasion that we don't even speak, but just beam thoughts to each other.
To be loved by her, it's amazing. I feel it begins to define me as a man, as her man. The depression I usually suffer through living in the Bronx is surprisingly absent, even when she is hundreds of miles away.
She's all I need, I love her.
That's the truth.
I mean, isn't the usual recommendation to play it cool, kid, real cool...
So then how do I casually let her know I need her?
I suppose I could start by recollecting the early days of getting to know her, surreptitiously glossing over the occasions where I stuck my foot in my mouth. I could tell her how she makes me laugh, how hours of conversation seem to take seconds. Hyperbole aside, I could inform her that she is definitely the coolest girl I've ever met. Where other girls cause me to roll my eyes at their air headed-ness and naivete, she continually impresses me. Although she hates math, she's sharp as a tack.
I could tell her that one of the reasons I fell for her was a trip to the public library. Yeah, I'm a nerd, but I appreciate a reader.
There's flashes of memory I associate with my feelings for her. Riding shotgun out to her house, the windows down in the sunshine. Rushing outside of the bar to watch a brawl. Everything is more fun with her.
She's beautiful, I stare into her eyes for hours. She fits perfectly in my arms. Laying curled up with her is perfect comfort. I've sworn on occasion that we don't even speak, but just beam thoughts to each other.
To be loved by her, it's amazing. I feel it begins to define me as a man, as her man. The depression I usually suffer through living in the Bronx is surprisingly absent, even when she is hundreds of miles away.
She's all I need, I love her.
That's the truth.
The Respect Principle
My phone rang at 7:18 a.m. this morning in Riverdale. I rolled over, didn't recognize the number and let the call go to voice mail. When I called back a few hours later, I had a discussion with my neighbors upstairs about the party that had occurred at my apartment the night before. Apparently, it went on until about 7 a.m.
Reportedly, there was a great deal of banging and noise.
This was news to me.
When I came into the apartment, I was greeted by four or five strangers, one of whom was standing in the hallway in his underwear. Politely, I asked him who the fuck he was and why he was naked in my house. This apparently caught the individual off guard.
Between the broken furniture, the obsequious beer cans and the passed out sophomores in the fetal position, I had more than enough reasons to flip a shit.
For people to get along living in close quarters, like say an apartment building, it is my contention that we have to operate on the respect principle. That is, show respect to our roommates and neighbors and be treated with respect in return. I guess its a variation of the golden rule, but I don't mean to moralize.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because you're in college doesn't give you free reign to act an ass. Falling down drunk is not attractive. Yes, we've all had a night or two where we drank too much, but this is not an occasion to be proud of. The freshman habit of collecting liquor bottles, its just amateur. Woo, you drink! *golf clap*
Frankly, I don't have the time nor the energy to play diplomat, covering up for my roommates lack of respect and the resultant imposition on our neighbors. I just hope I can get my message through to the persons responsible for turning a civilized apartment into a flophouse fraternity. Its a message I seem to be repeating again and again: Turn on your brains.
Reportedly, there was a great deal of banging and noise.
This was news to me.
When I came into the apartment, I was greeted by four or five strangers, one of whom was standing in the hallway in his underwear. Politely, I asked him who the fuck he was and why he was naked in my house. This apparently caught the individual off guard.
Between the broken furniture, the obsequious beer cans and the passed out sophomores in the fetal position, I had more than enough reasons to flip a shit.
For people to get along living in close quarters, like say an apartment building, it is my contention that we have to operate on the respect principle. That is, show respect to our roommates and neighbors and be treated with respect in return. I guess its a variation of the golden rule, but I don't mean to moralize.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because you're in college doesn't give you free reign to act an ass. Falling down drunk is not attractive. Yes, we've all had a night or two where we drank too much, but this is not an occasion to be proud of. The freshman habit of collecting liquor bottles, its just amateur. Woo, you drink! *golf clap*
Frankly, I don't have the time nor the energy to play diplomat, covering up for my roommates lack of respect and the resultant imposition on our neighbors. I just hope I can get my message through to the persons responsible for turning a civilized apartment into a flophouse fraternity. Its a message I seem to be repeating again and again: Turn on your brains.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Back in the Bronx
I'm worried about this post.
First off, I'm scared I'll sound like an old man complaining about today's youth, telling them to get off my lawn, you know the deal.
Second, I might just sound like a misanthropic basket case.
Whatever, its just the internet.
I'm back at school. Again, yeah. Last semester. I should be stoked right?
Well I'm not. I'm pissed. Another go round in this stupid system. Another chance to get exploited monetarily by the bastards who have the balls to call themselves "educators."
I don't mean you, professors, or even you, administration. I'm talking about the publishers of textbooks. I spent two hundred dollars today on three books. It would have been three hundred had I purchased the other "required" text I apparently cannot live without. Before you jump at me, I bought used. Still gouged. Where do these people get off pricing books like this? Viewing supposed scholars as a "captive pricing" market? Its disgusting.
Maybe its because I'm a "super-senior", meaning I've been in school too long, but I'm really tired of people who think they're the shit. Trust me, miss 20 year old, you don't know shit about dick. Sophomore males, stop acting like you run shit. You're not bad ass, you're not hard. Walk 10 blocks south and see how far you get. The next young ass person who talks to me like they know everything is going to get bitch smacked.
On my final tirade, I'd like to set my sights on Bank of America.
You are a bunch of incompetent argumentative assholes. I hope your shitty bank fails, and all of you useless fuckers are left penniless and alone. The only talent I've run into there is the ability to talk out of both sides of ones mouth, to at once tell me I'm a valued customer and crap all over me.
Oh, Ferrari has unveiled a new model slated to replace the aging F430, stay tuned for that.
First off, I'm scared I'll sound like an old man complaining about today's youth, telling them to get off my lawn, you know the deal.
Second, I might just sound like a misanthropic basket case.
Whatever, its just the internet.
I'm back at school. Again, yeah. Last semester. I should be stoked right?
Well I'm not. I'm pissed. Another go round in this stupid system. Another chance to get exploited monetarily by the bastards who have the balls to call themselves "educators."
I don't mean you, professors, or even you, administration. I'm talking about the publishers of textbooks. I spent two hundred dollars today on three books. It would have been three hundred had I purchased the other "required" text I apparently cannot live without. Before you jump at me, I bought used. Still gouged. Where do these people get off pricing books like this? Viewing supposed scholars as a "captive pricing" market? Its disgusting.
Maybe its because I'm a "super-senior", meaning I've been in school too long, but I'm really tired of people who think they're the shit. Trust me, miss 20 year old, you don't know shit about dick. Sophomore males, stop acting like you run shit. You're not bad ass, you're not hard. Walk 10 blocks south and see how far you get. The next young ass person who talks to me like they know everything is going to get bitch smacked.
On my final tirade, I'd like to set my sights on Bank of America.
You are a bunch of incompetent argumentative assholes. I hope your shitty bank fails, and all of you useless fuckers are left penniless and alone. The only talent I've run into there is the ability to talk out of both sides of ones mouth, to at once tell me I'm a valued customer and crap all over me.
Oh, Ferrari has unveiled a new model slated to replace the aging F430, stay tuned for that.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Really people?
In an earlier post (this one) I ranted about some people whose public grooming habits on the subway were a source of nausea and unease. Yesterday, while perusing a store that I won't mention, I saw something that struck a similar chord.
This is the beach, and so invariably a fraction of the population will get sunburned. Sunburn sucks, it hurts, and the peeling is gross and uncomfortable. I wasn't at all surprised to see a family of tourists wander into this store, and the poor daughter suffering from a bad burn on her back. But as they looked at the various items in the display case, I was surprised to see that her mom was scratching her daughters back, littering the floor with little bits of her skin.
Please never do this again in a public place. It was so gross I had to leave.
Look, scratch your back (or your friends backs, hell, even invite some strangers in and scratch their backs) in your home, hotel room, condo, the back of your Ford Econoline van, anywhere but in front of other people. I mean, would it be o.k. for me to shave my chest in the middle of a store? Hell no. Why do you get to drop chunks of dead skin all over someone else's floor? Why, mother, do you think this is an alright precedent to set for your daughter?
Yes, its the beach. We're all a little more relaxed here; but, please turn on your brains.
This is the beach, and so invariably a fraction of the population will get sunburned. Sunburn sucks, it hurts, and the peeling is gross and uncomfortable. I wasn't at all surprised to see a family of tourists wander into this store, and the poor daughter suffering from a bad burn on her back. But as they looked at the various items in the display case, I was surprised to see that her mom was scratching her daughters back, littering the floor with little bits of her skin.
Please never do this again in a public place. It was so gross I had to leave.
Look, scratch your back (or your friends backs, hell, even invite some strangers in and scratch their backs) in your home, hotel room, condo, the back of your Ford Econoline van, anywhere but in front of other people. I mean, would it be o.k. for me to shave my chest in the middle of a store? Hell no. Why do you get to drop chunks of dead skin all over someone else's floor? Why, mother, do you think this is an alright precedent to set for your daughter?
Yes, its the beach. We're all a little more relaxed here; but, please turn on your brains.
Friday, July 10, 2009
No Rain
Well the title of this post is an obvious reference to the Blind Melon song of the same name, which should be promptly bit-torrented (or purchased on iTunes, you fucking boy scouts) if you don't already have it.
I left off complaining about the constant rain in the Bronx, but since then I have fled the city and holed up in Dewey Beach, Delaware. Its here where karma got me. There I was, listening to NPR podcasts on my iPod, when I dozed off. I woke up some time later and a good deal more red. No more complaining about the weather.
What I'd like to talk about today is a car I saw on the road, the BMW X6. Now I didn't see it at the New York Auto Show because I frankly couldn't be bothered to walk over to that section of the convention center. Bavarian Motor Works touts the X6 as the "first ever Sports Activity Coupe". their website: see I wasn't lying. I dont mean to argue over minutae, but it seems to me that a coupe has, well, two doors. There are borderline variations, like the Mazda RX-8 with its clever backwards opening half door, but the X6 doesn't reside on this border. It has four doors. This would make it a Sports Activity Sedan, no?
So the marketing boys made a mistake, but they'd tell you they were being creative: martinis all around! Frankly I don't care about the manufacturers wording (they pulled the same sort of thing advertising the X5 as a "sports activity vehicle" in order to get away from the stigma associated with the SUV). What makes this car noteworthy is that it is collosally ugly.
Here's a picture BMW provided, meaning somewhere a photographer spent an hour with this car and this is the best shot they came up with.
It looks like one of those cartoon-ish photoshops of a normal car. The cargo space is cut down considerably by the silly rake of the roof, and what is an SUV size car doing anyway, in trying to pass itself off as a coupe?
Even more, where does this fit in the model line?
The X3 is barely a BMW, more econocar than euro. The X5 is your truck size BMW, competing with the Volvo XC90, Range Rover, yadda yadda. So whats the deal with the X6?
Dare I even mention that the MSRP is around $56,000 USD? For the smaller engine. And yeah, its a BMW, so be prepared to pay for options like "floor mats." Moderately equipped I ran the MSRP up to 67 grand.
If you want one: buy it in black, tint the windows and drive it only at night. That way no one will see you and label you as that moron who bought the ugliest car BMW makes.
I left off complaining about the constant rain in the Bronx, but since then I have fled the city and holed up in Dewey Beach, Delaware. Its here where karma got me. There I was, listening to NPR podcasts on my iPod, when I dozed off. I woke up some time later and a good deal more red. No more complaining about the weather.
What I'd like to talk about today is a car I saw on the road, the BMW X6. Now I didn't see it at the New York Auto Show because I frankly couldn't be bothered to walk over to that section of the convention center. Bavarian Motor Works touts the X6 as the "first ever Sports Activity Coupe". their website: see I wasn't lying. I dont mean to argue over minutae, but it seems to me that a coupe has, well, two doors. There are borderline variations, like the Mazda RX-8 with its clever backwards opening half door, but the X6 doesn't reside on this border. It has four doors. This would make it a Sports Activity Sedan, no?
So the marketing boys made a mistake, but they'd tell you they were being creative: martinis all around! Frankly I don't care about the manufacturers wording (they pulled the same sort of thing advertising the X5 as a "sports activity vehicle" in order to get away from the stigma associated with the SUV). What makes this car noteworthy is that it is collosally ugly.
Here's a picture BMW provided, meaning somewhere a photographer spent an hour with this car and this is the best shot they came up with.
It looks like one of those cartoon-ish photoshops of a normal car. The cargo space is cut down considerably by the silly rake of the roof, and what is an SUV size car doing anyway, in trying to pass itself off as a coupe?
Even more, where does this fit in the model line?
The X3 is barely a BMW, more econocar than euro. The X5 is your truck size BMW, competing with the Volvo XC90, Range Rover, yadda yadda. So whats the deal with the X6?
Dare I even mention that the MSRP is around $56,000 USD? For the smaller engine. And yeah, its a BMW, so be prepared to pay for options like "floor mats." Moderately equipped I ran the MSRP up to 67 grand.
If you want one: buy it in black, tint the windows and drive it only at night. That way no one will see you and label you as that moron who bought the ugliest car BMW makes.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
More Fashion Faux-Pauses
If you live in New York City or the surrounding metropolitan area you will have noticed that we are in the middle of the rainy season. It has rained as far back as I can remember, and probably farther than that. I imagine there will be a day when we sit our grandchildren on our knee and regale them with stories of "the dry days" when there was actually honest to goodness sunshine. This should be distinguished from the "dry days" when we all quit drinking, or the "dry days" when there were no chicks at the bar. (tee hee)
So despite being continually soaked, I have managed to look around and observe an alarming trend in my peers. Namely, people are wearing flip flops around in the rain. Now, I can see if it was raining at the beach and a horde of people were caught in their sandals, but this is the Bronx. Yes, beautiful Bronx NY where the streets are paved in shit. Literally, to walk a block in this place is to navigate a minefield of dog turds, mostly laid by pit bulls on chain leashes. The drivers ed manual will remind you that the most dangerous time to be driving in the rain is at the outset of the shower, as dirt and oil are lifted from the tarmac by the water creating especially slippery conditions. If we apply this logic to the Bronx sidewalk-dog turd situation described above, we can only conclude that the precipitation creates what is essentially "shit soup." You, my fellow human beings, choose to tread through this in next-to bare feet. Wearing flip flops means they will spray that disgusting water up the backs of your legs. How is it that you all haven't already died of dysentery?
So despite being continually soaked, I have managed to look around and observe an alarming trend in my peers. Namely, people are wearing flip flops around in the rain. Now, I can see if it was raining at the beach and a horde of people were caught in their sandals, but this is the Bronx. Yes, beautiful Bronx NY where the streets are paved in shit. Literally, to walk a block in this place is to navigate a minefield of dog turds, mostly laid by pit bulls on chain leashes. The drivers ed manual will remind you that the most dangerous time to be driving in the rain is at the outset of the shower, as dirt and oil are lifted from the tarmac by the water creating especially slippery conditions. If we apply this logic to the Bronx sidewalk-dog turd situation described above, we can only conclude that the precipitation creates what is essentially "shit soup." You, my fellow human beings, choose to tread through this in next-to bare feet. Wearing flip flops means they will spray that disgusting water up the backs of your legs. How is it that you all haven't already died of dysentery?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Dumbfounded.
Tim McGraw has a cologne now.
You were probably thinking "which high end boutique will I have to run to to obtain this?" but relax, you can find this fine product at Kohl's.
Who wants to smell like a country music singer? And what does this even smell like, dip spit and Jim Beam?
Sometimes I just don't even know anymore....
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The New grand Bentley
I'll be honest. I was going to talk today about the Bentley Azure, but when I went to Bentley's website to aquire their published performance figures, I stumbled upon a flash advertisement for their new grand Bentley. I've mentioned before how odious I find websites that force their own soundtrack upon the viewer, but I suppose in this instance I clicked "watch" so I'll just have to lump it. My complaint is that the soothing piano and violin was clipping the entire length of Bentley's pitch about soul and craftsmanship. It wasnt as if I had my little laptop speakers turned up too high either, the music was routed through a marginally impressive surround sound system (impressive in the sense that I can impress my music upon the neighbors, audiophiles would probably roll their eyes and go back to reading amperage specifications for some new 1300 dollar cd player). Bentley, did no one proof the ad before you published it?
Secondly, I spent a good minute waiting to drool over some picture of the promised British luxury masterpeice. At the end of it all, there are two shots available. This one:
And a close up profile shot of the hood ornament. Is that all the designing you have done on the car? I feel duped and irritated, so I'm going to save raving about the Azure and how its clearly superior to the Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe for when I can get past Bentley's advertising blue-balls.
Secondly, I spent a good minute waiting to drool over some picture of the promised British luxury masterpeice. At the end of it all, there are two shots available. This one:
And a close up profile shot of the hood ornament. Is that all the designing you have done on the car? I feel duped and irritated, so I'm going to save raving about the Azure and how its clearly superior to the Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe for when I can get past Bentley's advertising blue-balls.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
And now for something completely different,
I'm going to post this picture, simply because of the shivers that go down my spine when I look at it. Maybe you too have the same reaction. There is no question, it is hands down gorgeous.
I will talk more about it later.
This is probably as good a time as any to remind you all that since I took these pictures (the recently posted ones of cars) they are mine. You really shouldn't steal them, as its totally bad karma.
I will talk more about it later.
This is probably as good a time as any to remind you all that since I took these pictures (the recently posted ones of cars) they are mine. You really shouldn't steal them, as its totally bad karma.
A Late Review from the New York Auto Show
So that (the Dodge Circuit thing) was a test.
It seems I've stumbled upon my pictures from this years auto show, which means I get to waste some time telling you (the internet) exactly what I think about the newest offerings from the international auto industry.
First things first, Ferrari wasn't there this year. Somewhere I have pictures of a 612, and an F430 from previous years, but to get your dose of the rearing horse you'll have to go somewhere else.
So this is the Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid. If you'd like to pay more for one, you can have it from Cadillac in the form of an Escalade. Forgo the fake wood trim, and this behemoth could be yours for around $52,000 USD. But you're the American consumer, and you've just made a decision that you should be commended for, what with choosing a hybrid that gets a rated 20mpg highway. Yes, you shelled out the extra dough (17 thousand dollars over the base model, but who's counting?) for the advertised six extra mpg in the city. How will everyone else know that you bought the eco-friendly one?
Fear not, because Cheverolet has it covered. The manufacturer has covered the exterior of the vehicle almost entirely in" hybrid" stickers. On the display model this year I counted seven, including the writing down the side of the vehicle in almost foot high letters.
Yeah....so I'm not sure what amazes me more, the fact that somewhere a development team thought this was attractive, or the fact that there is a market segment that actually likes this look.
It seems I've stumbled upon my pictures from this years auto show, which means I get to waste some time telling you (the internet) exactly what I think about the newest offerings from the international auto industry.
First things first, Ferrari wasn't there this year. Somewhere I have pictures of a 612, and an F430 from previous years, but to get your dose of the rearing horse you'll have to go somewhere else.
So this is the Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid. If you'd like to pay more for one, you can have it from Cadillac in the form of an Escalade. Forgo the fake wood trim, and this behemoth could be yours for around $52,000 USD. But you're the American consumer, and you've just made a decision that you should be commended for, what with choosing a hybrid that gets a rated 20mpg highway. Yes, you shelled out the extra dough (17 thousand dollars over the base model, but who's counting?) for the advertised six extra mpg in the city. How will everyone else know that you bought the eco-friendly one?
Fear not, because Cheverolet has it covered. The manufacturer has covered the exterior of the vehicle almost entirely in" hybrid" stickers. On the display model this year I counted seven, including the writing down the side of the vehicle in almost foot high letters.
Yeah....so I'm not sure what amazes me more, the fact that somewhere a development team thought this was attractive, or the fact that there is a market segment that actually likes this look.
This, Ladies and Gentleman is the Dodge Circuit. It was on display at the 2009 New York Auto Show. If you thought "oh that's a a tarted up Lotus" you were right. The big difference is that it runs on what is essentially a big bank of laptop batteries, like the Tesla Roadster. Its just too bad about what they did to the front end of it, but this is the same company that produces the PT Cruiser, so we really shouldn't expect much in the styling department.
So if it were available, would I buy it? No. I wouldn't be caught dead in it. I'd rather walk.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A word about Fashion
So in the April 2009 issue of Maxim, the magazine announces that short sleeved dress shirts are back in again! This is excellent news, because I was running out of places to keep my pocket protector.
Let me be explicit: Short sleeved dress shirts go best with slide-rules and virginity.
They are about as cool as Teva sandals and fanny packs.
Here's a novel idea for those of you who are feeling that your forearms are being suffocated by broadcloth: roll up your sleeves.
The extra cloth that will end up around your elbows lends you a laid-back air that comes across as, dare I say, cool. Additionally, the visual weight on your left and right serves to balance out the visual weight and focus of your tie (you are wearing a tie, aren't you?). Beauty is all about balance.
No, short sleeved dress shirts are not in. They never were in, and they never will be.
The end.
Let me be explicit: Short sleeved dress shirts go best with slide-rules and virginity.
They are about as cool as Teva sandals and fanny packs.
Here's a novel idea for those of you who are feeling that your forearms are being suffocated by broadcloth: roll up your sleeves.
The extra cloth that will end up around your elbows lends you a laid-back air that comes across as, dare I say, cool. Additionally, the visual weight on your left and right serves to balance out the visual weight and focus of your tie (you are wearing a tie, aren't you?). Beauty is all about balance.
No, short sleeved dress shirts are not in. They never were in, and they never will be.
The end.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Attn: Web Designers & Marketers
So in surfing the internet I've come across some sites that are worth mention. These are the pompous, presumptuous sites that attack with audio visual presentations; usually trying to convince me to buy something. Let me be absolutely clear: this is unwelcome, irritating, and fucking annoying.
Dell's website announcing their competition for the Macbook Air is a great example. I'd link you, but I don't want anybody to think for a minute I was endorsing this hunk of crap. The site bombards you with some music and a video of models posing with the laptop. Fuck yeah! Let me buy this, so I can be as happy as these schmucks who got paid to have their picture taken. If you can find the specs, you'll see its technologically inferior to the Air and MORE EXPENSIVE! What a sham.
The other site which aurally raped me today was Syke 9, presenting itself as an energy drink website. The fine print in their commercials says "sponsored by vtsf" at the bottom. Virginia Tobacco Settlement Foundation? Is this a clever anti-cigarette campaign? No, its not clever. Its a shitty commercial and a shitty website.
God, give me strength.
Oh and there is an Ed Hardy edition Smart Car, and Ed Hardy wine. The fact there is a market for either of those proves that there is a segment of our population with some money, but no taste. If you own the Ed Hardy Smart, why not have a couple bottles of Ed Hardy wine, and drive yourself into a fucking wall. Jackass.
Dell's website announcing their competition for the Macbook Air is a great example. I'd link you, but I don't want anybody to think for a minute I was endorsing this hunk of crap. The site bombards you with some music and a video of models posing with the laptop. Fuck yeah! Let me buy this, so I can be as happy as these schmucks who got paid to have their picture taken. If you can find the specs, you'll see its technologically inferior to the Air and MORE EXPENSIVE! What a sham.
The other site which aurally raped me today was Syke 9, presenting itself as an energy drink website. The fine print in their commercials says "sponsored by vtsf" at the bottom. Virginia Tobacco Settlement Foundation? Is this a clever anti-cigarette campaign? No, its not clever. Its a shitty commercial and a shitty website.
God, give me strength.
Oh and there is an Ed Hardy edition Smart Car, and Ed Hardy wine. The fact there is a market for either of those proves that there is a segment of our population with some money, but no taste. If you own the Ed Hardy Smart, why not have a couple bottles of Ed Hardy wine, and drive yourself into a fucking wall. Jackass.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Bee Tee Dubz
February is real short anyway, so its probably the best month to take off.
Fear not, I haven't abandoned this project.
Soon I'll be back to hurling abuse at people.
Much Love,
Matt B
Fear not, I haven't abandoned this project.
Soon I'll be back to hurling abuse at people.
Much Love,
Matt B
Car Shopping in a Recession
So I'm laying here in my hospital bed (needed a broken collarbone from snowboarding repaired) watching television and laughing about the new Range Rover ad campaign. Many of you probably laughed along with me when Land Rover was purchased by Tata motors, and the former symbol of the might of the British Empire came under the financial control of India. The latest US ad campaign from Land Rover makes me laugh even harder, but then again, it could be the morphine.
The ad shows a Range Rover Sport driving along a beautiful coastal highway while the narrator discusses the reasons you, the American consumer, should buy one.
It turns out that the Range Rover Sport is a smart car to buy because of its low rate of depreciation, and the resulting high resale value.
The ad ends by showing the low monthly cost for leasing one of these Range Rovers. Go ahead! Just remember that, at the end of your lease period, you'll have nothing left to resell.....
The ad shows a Range Rover Sport driving along a beautiful coastal highway while the narrator discusses the reasons you, the American consumer, should buy one.
It turns out that the Range Rover Sport is a smart car to buy because of its low rate of depreciation, and the resulting high resale value.
The ad ends by showing the low monthly cost for leasing one of these Range Rovers. Go ahead! Just remember that, at the end of your lease period, you'll have nothing left to resell.....
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Our Impending Doom
Well if you haven't seen Al Gore's movie An Inconvenient Truth, you should.
The fact is that our cars, yours and mine, belch out carbon dioxide in their exhausts. Well, really they spew a host of gasses, carbon monoxide for example, but if you have watched Mr. Gore's film you will understand why carbon dioxide is the important one. Turns out that ever since the industrial revolution, we've been releasing carbon dioxide by burning fossil fuels.
So, this gas traps energy from the sun by reflecting it back down after it has bounced of the planets surface. Global warming. The glaciers have been receding, the polar ice is melting. As it melts we will lose the advantage of the sun radiation reflecting icecaps, compounding the problem. This is real, the internet says so: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7843186.stm
So, red alert, take evasive action, buy one of these newfangled cars.
Chevrolet is working furiously on the Volt, slated for the 2010 model year. It is an electric car, which has a gasoline generator to recharge its batteries. This is different from your mothers Prius or Lexus hybrid, because those use the gas engine to drive the wheels. This doesn't.
Its a huge step, so give Detroit a little golf clap.
Lets see what our friends across the Pacific have been up to while domestic auto has been busy developing the science that allows a car as advanced as the Volt.
Hm, well according to Honda, they started leasing a car in California called the FCX clarity: http://automobiles.honda.com/fcx-clarity/
The name hearkens back to the CRX coupes Honda brought us in the very latest 80's and early 90's, but this car is not just a high mpg lightweight commuter car, its a hydrogen powered car. Its byproducts are heat and water.
Is anybody still clapping for Detroit?
Its too easy to point fingers at the Big Three and "player hate." Lets point a finger at the people who came up with this whole Ethanol idea. Basically, we decided that we should ween off our dependence on foreign oil by blending in an alcohol we derive from our corn crop. Everybody at GM gave each other high fives as they put "Flexfuel" badges on all their giant SUVs to announce to the world that they can run on E85. To put it bluntly: Whoop dee god damn doo.
Did no one think about the fact that by processing sugar cane, you can yield more ethanol with less crop? There's a reason Brazil exports so much of it. No, like upright citizens of the US we went ahead and made ours out of corn.
Newsflash: Corn is food.
Oh, also, people are starving.
Does anybody find it objectionable that we are using excess food to run our giant unncessary vehicles? You know, the ones using practically ancient suspension technology, the ones where all the interior bits don't fit together quite right.
From the last I had read, Nascar cars still use leaded fuel. This has to do with the stress the valves are under, and the lead helps to keep them from shattering, or something like that.
You might say that the whole sport is completely backwards.
But then you'd be offending alot of people, the masses who stand around all day drinking fine American lagers while huffing leaded exhaust fumes for five hundred laps, waiting for a crash.
People, if we want to keep from wiping ourselves off the planet, we've got to do better than this.
Does anybody remember such a thing as durable goods? Things made so they could be repaired rather than replaced? Sometimes in this modern society, you can't help but feel like you're completely surrounded by cheap crap. Out there somewhere is a pile 100 feet deep of broken cheap crap and the plastic packaging we bought it in.
Its enough to make you crazy.
The fact is that our cars, yours and mine, belch out carbon dioxide in their exhausts. Well, really they spew a host of gasses, carbon monoxide for example, but if you have watched Mr. Gore's film you will understand why carbon dioxide is the important one. Turns out that ever since the industrial revolution, we've been releasing carbon dioxide by burning fossil fuels.
So, this gas traps energy from the sun by reflecting it back down after it has bounced of the planets surface. Global warming. The glaciers have been receding, the polar ice is melting. As it melts we will lose the advantage of the sun radiation reflecting icecaps, compounding the problem. This is real, the internet says so: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7843186.stm
So, red alert, take evasive action, buy one of these newfangled cars.
Chevrolet is working furiously on the Volt, slated for the 2010 model year. It is an electric car, which has a gasoline generator to recharge its batteries. This is different from your mothers Prius or Lexus hybrid, because those use the gas engine to drive the wheels. This doesn't.
Its a huge step, so give Detroit a little golf clap.
Lets see what our friends across the Pacific have been up to while domestic auto has been busy developing the science that allows a car as advanced as the Volt.
Hm, well according to Honda, they started leasing a car in California called the FCX clarity: http://automobiles.honda.com/fcx-clarity/
The name hearkens back to the CRX coupes Honda brought us in the very latest 80's and early 90's, but this car is not just a high mpg lightweight commuter car, its a hydrogen powered car. Its byproducts are heat and water.
Is anybody still clapping for Detroit?
Its too easy to point fingers at the Big Three and "player hate." Lets point a finger at the people who came up with this whole Ethanol idea. Basically, we decided that we should ween off our dependence on foreign oil by blending in an alcohol we derive from our corn crop. Everybody at GM gave each other high fives as they put "Flexfuel" badges on all their giant SUVs to announce to the world that they can run on E85. To put it bluntly: Whoop dee god damn doo.
Did no one think about the fact that by processing sugar cane, you can yield more ethanol with less crop? There's a reason Brazil exports so much of it. No, like upright citizens of the US we went ahead and made ours out of corn.
Newsflash: Corn is food.
Oh, also, people are starving.
Does anybody find it objectionable that we are using excess food to run our giant unncessary vehicles? You know, the ones using practically ancient suspension technology, the ones where all the interior bits don't fit together quite right.
From the last I had read, Nascar cars still use leaded fuel. This has to do with the stress the valves are under, and the lead helps to keep them from shattering, or something like that.
You might say that the whole sport is completely backwards.
But then you'd be offending alot of people, the masses who stand around all day drinking fine American lagers while huffing leaded exhaust fumes for five hundred laps, waiting for a crash.
People, if we want to keep from wiping ourselves off the planet, we've got to do better than this.
Does anybody remember such a thing as durable goods? Things made so they could be repaired rather than replaced? Sometimes in this modern society, you can't help but feel like you're completely surrounded by cheap crap. Out there somewhere is a pile 100 feet deep of broken cheap crap and the plastic packaging we bought it in.
Its enough to make you crazy.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Make Some Noise for Detroit
So while I was having my car repaired, after a minor collision due to semi losing a tread in front of me on the highway, I walked by a Kia dealership.
In the showroom they had one of the new Kia Soul's. This is a sub-compact SUV, with room for five, and a sizable cargo area. First off, the fact a Kia caught my eye is probably something worthwhile to note. Kia's and Hyundai's have typically been the blander cheaper cousins of Japanese compact cars, competing against the Nissan Sentras and Toyota Corollas. An episode of Top Gear from a season or two ago found the three hosts at a loss when trying to find a Pacific Rim car they liked.
But I had just been driving around in a Cobalt, and walking around the Soul I noted that the interior is comparable if not better, and the overall size for passengers is greater than the Cobalts.
Then, I asked a gentleman behind a desk what the price of such a vehicle would be.
He said 13,000.
So instead of a bland econo-car, I can have an oddly stylish compact SUV and still keep three grand in my pocket?
Its the same understeering front wheel drive layout, granted, but I doubt either Soul or Cobalt owners will be showing up to track days. This is a car for the office commute, the grocery store trips, navigating the urban labyrinth and suburban housing developments.
So this brings me to the domestic auto-industry bailout, mostly in supposing that it is a gargantuan waste of taxpayer money.
Where is American auto-engineering excellence? Are there designers in the continental 48 who can draw up a transport that doesn't put the consumer to sleep?
Yes, the Big Three are failing. We can't just blame it on an economic downturn. Its because the past decades domestic autos have been plagued with inferior technology, shoddy interiors in both fit and finish, and a lack of style that makes me wonder if its the children of American car designers who are moving to Williamsburg and dressing like clowns.
For fucks sake, Detroit: Get your act together.
The trend permeates all classes of cars. Italy brings us the Ferrari 599 GTB , Japan has made the Acura NSX, the Toyota Supra, and the Nissan Skyline (and the subsequent stateside GTR). We have the Dodge Viper, which is not so much a sports car as a flashing neon sign to the world regarding the small penis of the owner. We have the Corvette, the style of which has changed so little in my lifetime that even 911 owners find the new models redundant.
Then there is the Ford Mustang, more name than car. Crude suspension and a live rear axle! In 2009!!! This car is anything but cutting edge.
So, screw Detroit. Bad business plans and lackluster products undermined their industry, not this economic downturn.
In the showroom they had one of the new Kia Soul's. This is a sub-compact SUV, with room for five, and a sizable cargo area. First off, the fact a Kia caught my eye is probably something worthwhile to note. Kia's and Hyundai's have typically been the blander cheaper cousins of Japanese compact cars, competing against the Nissan Sentras and Toyota Corollas. An episode of Top Gear from a season or two ago found the three hosts at a loss when trying to find a Pacific Rim car they liked.
But I had just been driving around in a Cobalt, and walking around the Soul I noted that the interior is comparable if not better, and the overall size for passengers is greater than the Cobalts.
Then, I asked a gentleman behind a desk what the price of such a vehicle would be.
He said 13,000.
So instead of a bland econo-car, I can have an oddly stylish compact SUV and still keep three grand in my pocket?
Its the same understeering front wheel drive layout, granted, but I doubt either Soul or Cobalt owners will be showing up to track days. This is a car for the office commute, the grocery store trips, navigating the urban labyrinth and suburban housing developments.
So this brings me to the domestic auto-industry bailout, mostly in supposing that it is a gargantuan waste of taxpayer money.
Where is American auto-engineering excellence? Are there designers in the continental 48 who can draw up a transport that doesn't put the consumer to sleep?
Yes, the Big Three are failing. We can't just blame it on an economic downturn. Its because the past decades domestic autos have been plagued with inferior technology, shoddy interiors in both fit and finish, and a lack of style that makes me wonder if its the children of American car designers who are moving to Williamsburg and dressing like clowns.
For fucks sake, Detroit: Get your act together.
The trend permeates all classes of cars. Italy brings us the Ferrari 599 GTB , Japan has made the Acura NSX, the Toyota Supra, and the Nissan Skyline (and the subsequent stateside GTR). We have the Dodge Viper, which is not so much a sports car as a flashing neon sign to the world regarding the small penis of the owner. We have the Corvette, the style of which has changed so little in my lifetime that even 911 owners find the new models redundant.
Then there is the Ford Mustang, more name than car. Crude suspension and a live rear axle! In 2009!!! This car is anything but cutting edge.
So, screw Detroit. Bad business plans and lackluster products undermined their industry, not this economic downturn.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Days in an Econo-car
I'd like to start off by saying, Happy New Year!
Welcome, boys and girls, to 2009.
Over the holidays, I've had some work done on my beloved car, so its been in the shop. As a result, I've been driving a 2008 Chevy Cobalt sedan. Let's chat about it, shall we?
Now this is a rental car, so naturally it is the basest of the base models. (We're talking like a pH level hovering around 14) No power windows, no central locking. It is an automatic, so naturally I smash my left foot into the carpet whenever I go to start the thing. I'll admit it, when I first got in the drivers seat, I expected it to suck.
But now I've spent a few days with the little scamp, scooting back and forth between my house and Georgetown. We've developed a bit of a rapport in our time together, and while I expected this car to be terrible, I've learned it is really truly not that terrible.
It feels remarkably cheap, and thats because it is. You can drive away from the Chevy dealer with a 2009 Cobalt for just $16,630. But before you start looking for change under your couch cushions, you have to consider what its going to be like driving this car.
Where as in my car the steering wheel is wrapped in perforated leather, the engineers at GM opted for a textured plastic in the 'bolt. The upshot: it is actually uncomfortable to grip the very part of the car which you should be most intimately connected with. The '99 Corolla which I have borrowed from my sister is in the same class as the Cobalt, but its plastic steering wheel is smooth and comfortable. My point is, a wheel doesn't have to say Momo or be wrapped in Alcantara for me to like it, it just has to not suck. The Cobalt's, well it all sorts of sucks. The bow tie logo is clearly a cheap sticker, and worst of all, it gives you no information on what the wheels are doing.
This, combined with the tendency the car has to understeer in hard cornering almost makes driving exciting, but only exciting in the sense that you are fearing for your life.
The seats are awful. They lack any sort of lateral support, and appear to be designed for very large people.
"So this is perfect!" you might think, while cramming another Hostess cupcake in your mouth and swallowing sin mastication. Sadly, even the larger driver will be disappointed in the Chevy Cobalt because of another of its weaknesses: useless cup holders. The car is equipped with two of them in the center console, but they are only cup holders in the strictest academic sense. Other GM cars, such as the Saab 9-5 Aero, have little pieces of foam rubber which hold ones beverage in place. You won't find those in the Cobalt, and the result is a commuter car which will promptly spill your morning coffee all over your lap were you to turn the wheel to the right. The more rotund consumer would loose his or her Big Gulp to the passenger side foot well at every left turn on the way to IHOP. Now is the time to invest in an auto detailing business, as there will soon be a steady flow of Cobalt owners begging for you to get the cherry Slurpee stains out of their carpets.
The car has some good points, and it would be unfair for me to leave them out.
The windows are made of clear glass, quite good for seeing out of.
The car is surprisingly quick in the low end, owing to the added torque of a 2.2L engine (as opposed to 1.6 to 1.8 L displacements found in late model Hondas and Toyotas). You can, while smashing the accelerator to the floor from a dig, spin the tires a bit. This is an excellent way to vent frustration, but I may have just found it so novel because I was coming from a full time AWD vehicle, which is incapable of such burn outs. (This sacrifice is a worthwhile concession, as the AWD can perform in the snow, where the poor Cobalt is much more likely to get stuck.)
So from zero to thirty, the Cobalt is alright. Inching up toward highway speed; however, is a process so slow and monotonous that I suggest bringing along a crossword puzzle to alleviate the boredom.
The Cobalt comes equipped with a smart little in dash computer which tells you all sorts of information: tire pressure, coolant temp, oil life, instantaneous and average fuel efficiency, as well as your typical trip odometers. This is neat, I really wouldn't mind one in my WRX. You can shuffle through the info displays via a wheel mounted button, but for some reason they have provided two buttons on the wheel. The second button has a symbol which looks like a the return arrow on a computer keyboard, but as of yet I have not been able to find that it does anything at all when depressed. This is much like me when I'm depressed, so I suppose this button and I are kindred spirits.
The on board computer entertained me for upwards of seven minutes, but my delight was again thwarted when I found the radios biggest shortcoming. The LCD screen will display either the radio station frequency or the time. This must have been a cost-cutting measure, as GM saves by only having to supply a small LCD unit in their radios. But then, they needed to add an extra button that does nothing but switch the display between the two values, and wire it so that it worked. It's not only the blatant cheapness which irks me, its the sheer stupidity of this design. Why should I have to divert my eyes from the road long enough to find this little button in order to check the time?
Between the steering, the cupholders that aren't, and the distracting nature of the controls, I can only assume that the Cobalt is trying to kill me.
So here's my final thought: Why would anybody buy this car? Take your 16 thousand dollars, spend 4 thousand on a late model Honda or Toyota, and use the remainder to go buy yourselves some proper shirts, jeans that fit, or the latest Ed Hardy bull crap to adorn yourself with. Hell, spend it on designer drugs and cover charges at your favorite club. The drugs might kill you, but at least you'll be having more fun when you die than if you let the Cobalt murder you through its terribleness.
Welcome, boys and girls, to 2009.
Over the holidays, I've had some work done on my beloved car, so its been in the shop. As a result, I've been driving a 2008 Chevy Cobalt sedan. Let's chat about it, shall we?
Now this is a rental car, so naturally it is the basest of the base models. (We're talking like a pH level hovering around 14) No power windows, no central locking. It is an automatic, so naturally I smash my left foot into the carpet whenever I go to start the thing. I'll admit it, when I first got in the drivers seat, I expected it to suck.
But now I've spent a few days with the little scamp, scooting back and forth between my house and Georgetown. We've developed a bit of a rapport in our time together, and while I expected this car to be terrible, I've learned it is really truly not that terrible.
It feels remarkably cheap, and thats because it is. You can drive away from the Chevy dealer with a 2009 Cobalt for just $16,630. But before you start looking for change under your couch cushions, you have to consider what its going to be like driving this car.
Where as in my car the steering wheel is wrapped in perforated leather, the engineers at GM opted for a textured plastic in the 'bolt. The upshot: it is actually uncomfortable to grip the very part of the car which you should be most intimately connected with. The '99 Corolla which I have borrowed from my sister is in the same class as the Cobalt, but its plastic steering wheel is smooth and comfortable. My point is, a wheel doesn't have to say Momo or be wrapped in Alcantara for me to like it, it just has to not suck. The Cobalt's, well it all sorts of sucks. The bow tie logo is clearly a cheap sticker, and worst of all, it gives you no information on what the wheels are doing.
This, combined with the tendency the car has to understeer in hard cornering almost makes driving exciting, but only exciting in the sense that you are fearing for your life.
The seats are awful. They lack any sort of lateral support, and appear to be designed for very large people.
"So this is perfect!" you might think, while cramming another Hostess cupcake in your mouth and swallowing sin mastication. Sadly, even the larger driver will be disappointed in the Chevy Cobalt because of another of its weaknesses: useless cup holders. The car is equipped with two of them in the center console, but they are only cup holders in the strictest academic sense. Other GM cars, such as the Saab 9-5 Aero, have little pieces of foam rubber which hold ones beverage in place. You won't find those in the Cobalt, and the result is a commuter car which will promptly spill your morning coffee all over your lap were you to turn the wheel to the right. The more rotund consumer would loose his or her Big Gulp to the passenger side foot well at every left turn on the way to IHOP. Now is the time to invest in an auto detailing business, as there will soon be a steady flow of Cobalt owners begging for you to get the cherry Slurpee stains out of their carpets.
The car has some good points, and it would be unfair for me to leave them out.
The windows are made of clear glass, quite good for seeing out of.
The car is surprisingly quick in the low end, owing to the added torque of a 2.2L engine (as opposed to 1.6 to 1.8 L displacements found in late model Hondas and Toyotas). You can, while smashing the accelerator to the floor from a dig, spin the tires a bit. This is an excellent way to vent frustration, but I may have just found it so novel because I was coming from a full time AWD vehicle, which is incapable of such burn outs. (This sacrifice is a worthwhile concession, as the AWD can perform in the snow, where the poor Cobalt is much more likely to get stuck.)
So from zero to thirty, the Cobalt is alright. Inching up toward highway speed; however, is a process so slow and monotonous that I suggest bringing along a crossword puzzle to alleviate the boredom.
The Cobalt comes equipped with a smart little in dash computer which tells you all sorts of information: tire pressure, coolant temp, oil life, instantaneous and average fuel efficiency, as well as your typical trip odometers. This is neat, I really wouldn't mind one in my WRX. You can shuffle through the info displays via a wheel mounted button, but for some reason they have provided two buttons on the wheel. The second button has a symbol which looks like a the return arrow on a computer keyboard, but as of yet I have not been able to find that it does anything at all when depressed. This is much like me when I'm depressed, so I suppose this button and I are kindred spirits.
The on board computer entertained me for upwards of seven minutes, but my delight was again thwarted when I found the radios biggest shortcoming. The LCD screen will display either the radio station frequency or the time. This must have been a cost-cutting measure, as GM saves by only having to supply a small LCD unit in their radios. But then, they needed to add an extra button that does nothing but switch the display between the two values, and wire it so that it worked. It's not only the blatant cheapness which irks me, its the sheer stupidity of this design. Why should I have to divert my eyes from the road long enough to find this little button in order to check the time?
Between the steering, the cupholders that aren't, and the distracting nature of the controls, I can only assume that the Cobalt is trying to kill me.
So here's my final thought: Why would anybody buy this car? Take your 16 thousand dollars, spend 4 thousand on a late model Honda or Toyota, and use the remainder to go buy yourselves some proper shirts, jeans that fit, or the latest Ed Hardy bull crap to adorn yourself with. Hell, spend it on designer drugs and cover charges at your favorite club. The drugs might kill you, but at least you'll be having more fun when you die than if you let the Cobalt murder you through its terribleness.
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